fin...

over.
done with.
gone.

shutting down

still seriously considering not writing in this blog .......
im about 80/20
you figure which number represents what.

done and done

the funeral was today - and it went well - no slip ups
no surprises like at my grandfather's funeral

so a good day of sleeping is in order
the the household
no phones- no visitors
no nada

still very busy...

every day its the same -
or rather every day is the same - sort of a blur for me
the last 9 days
they all run into each other
today was the first day i actually got out of the house
to do something non funeral related
( not really )
my job it seems is to make sure everyone gets fed and to rotate all
of the food people are bringing over.
[ first in first out ]

but it's very strange to try and find a suitable picture
for my dad's funeral booklet.
we found one for his obituary.
but this is - i don't know sort of different.

oh one other thing - i am sleeping in the room
where he died - sort of comforting, sort of spooky
because everyone believes that he is still in the house
messing with the electricity - showing us what needs to be replaced

now

my days are busy - planning a funeral is much more than i expected, and everyone visiting and asking if they can do anything
but the nights are worse - it's the quiet time.

bristol

pretty much in limbo right now. close to being home, but still 6 hours away by car, been driving everyday to get home - i really need to be with my mom and siblings - it feels like a dream - and every morning i wake up and hope that it is... but it smacks me in the face.

foreshadowing

not sure about my last post-
well
my father passed away last night
and reading my last blog post i was sort of ready for it.
and after talking to my sister - who had a premonition about his death the same day
she was ready for it too

but i use the term ready loosely - no one is either ready or prepared for death


that is all for now


i still have a few days to drive back home.

sense of purpose

the past few days i've found out two things
what i shouldn't be doing and what and or when to know when to let go.
if i get home and my father is well or weller
then that is what it is
if he's not
then again i'm ready for that
i have not seen anyone close to death before just right after
or a few days after

never the time before
the time tht they are circling the bowl - so to speak

i don't know - really what gonna go down with my father's heart being monitored 24/7
waiting for abnormalities
if i could trade places with him i would
but that wouldn't solve anything
he'd be worried for me
and according to an old proverb

grandparents die
parents die
children die

this is the natural order

for you

I WROTE THIS FOR YOU
I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. I WROTE THIS FOR YOU. I WROTE THIS FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU. EVERYONE ELSE WHO READS IT, DOESN’T GET IT. THEY MAY THINK THEY GET IT, BUT THEY DON’T. THIS IS THE SIGN YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. YOU WERE MEANT TO READ THESE WORDS.

antelope

it seems that i have a co-pilot on this trip back east - and he's telling me who it is necessary to see and who not to see
i questioned him once but all in all he's been spot on.

dinner

i had a 12 course dinner
last night in del mar,

12 courses with 9 wines 4 white 4 red and a sauternes
no ill effects with the food
everything clean in flavor and texture
i had two of my favorites which i hadn't had in years
sweetbreads and foie gras
both wonderful - i sat at the wine bar and had an easy sight line to the cook who prepared all my food
and most of the staff had a bet that i wouldn't finish the meal.... i only had issues with one plate which was the cheese course
just a little bit too much i finished about half of it
plus there were two more courses after that a desert - and truffles to end the meal.

i survived -
until i got back to the hotel and a lady decided to rink too much get into a fight with her boyfriend and run down the hallway crying - she even forgot her room number and tried to open my locked door.



i drove up to los angeles today easy drive not too much traffic until the 405 & 101 interchange