300th post

thought i'd be a bit more excited about 300 blog posts over a year plus of writing -
my birthday is in 4 days - more like three when you read this and i'm so so about it - ye sim a year older, glad to have survived, blah etc and all that good shit - but not sure if i want to acknowledge it or let it go i told my brother today that i am done with arizona - that i have squeezed all of the water i can out of this rock. and i feel the same way about my impending celebration of my life - granted if asked and i had a choice to pick the circumstances surrounding my birth i keep it all the same minus the daily battle i have with my mind - i torment myself just to make sure i am still alive - once the chattering stops. who or where will i be then?
i know, i know.......
so i am here now - it's friday now - thursday when i started writing this
the tv is on but its just noise
i listen to music and have the tv on to try and cancel each other out
but it all ends up in noise
a woman i desperately loved once just gave birth to someone else's child
a woman i loved once is far more happy now than she waa when dealing with me and she's engaged now
and the only woman i have ever thought about bearing my children is moving back to australia - soon.....

and you know what it's all noise now a bunch of run on sentences....mainly consisting of verbs and adverbs - static, noise

i decided finally to announce my future plans and everyone seems excited that i'm moving back to my home in md

but i failed - i lasted 12 years on my own and i have nothing to show for it
maybe 100 extra lbs and less hair but nothing i can brag about
i lost the hghest paying job i have ever had - and now i am making half and turning in my loose change to coinstar

( fin )