FUCK!!!!!!!! ( red flags )

This is the only place can write - to get things out in the open and not offend anybody - I would post on facebook but I have too many people reading and this would get out.... I saw the red flags when she first started as my boss and would constantly no call no show - twice on my shifts ( red flag )- I knew that she was going through a bitter divorce and custody battle ( red flag )The second time she didn't show up the hotel's general manager called me in his office and asked me directly if she was a good boss and I threw her under the bus and said no. I thought that this was the end - but she cried and begged for her job back and she apologized to al of her employees - saying she'll do better - yes she reverted back to the same no call no show..... and ultimately got fired - I saw her on her last day she was crying and hugged me saying sorry...... I should have left it at that..... I had been texting her off and on because we had set up a bet and if she won i'd take her to lunch...... this started in like august.... She blew me off and cancelled until october - when i left and went on my 6 week vacation.... I should have left it at that - but for some strange reason I decided text her happy new year and she seemed soo happy to hear from me and we set up a breakfast date and that actually happened on the 8th of january.... she was the one who after that said we should go out to a movie - theres's this art exhibit i want to see but no one will go with me.... so i said ok - i had nothing else to do but still leery about her being flakey - so she post phoned one date to go to the exhibit but just after that my aunt passed so i shut down everything to deal with family issues - we set up another date for the exhibit and she post phoned again - so i thought at least she is giving me a heads up... so the third time's a charm right.... so two days out i texted her - asking if that tuesday was still on - giving her many chances to post phone.... and i didn't hear from her - so i went without her because the exhibit was ending in a week.... I told myself i was done..... and I was until Valentines day rolled around and i decided to text her happy v day.and that next week - this week we went out three times during the last 4 days - the last being yesterday for a movie.... she said stuff like i have the kids this weekend and if you're around we're around - I really enjoy hanging out with you etc..... So i said the same which was true.... but i think i used the wrong choice of words.. when i said we should plan a weekly breakfast date and plan for other things in the week if that was possible.... " Started seeing someone recently and have a date this weekend." my response " good luck with that. " it's really done now.

you always remember your first.....

talk to me please....

i need someone to talk to

to who ever reads this.....

i wish to thank whoever read my last two or three blog posts and left me comments - you don't know how much you have helped me -

sleep

i do not really want to go to sleep tonight... because if i did i'd have to wake up and face the day.....

scream

sometimes I just want to scream..... but I can't
two years with my head down - shoulders slumped
scorned, disenfranchised ( marginalized) unfettered

sometimes i need to scream - but usually walk away
with my fingers pointed to my temple
pulling the trigger -
but again that wouldn't solve anything
because i still walk away -
in the midst of a day dream
and i wake up - in the middle of
clutching sheets -
air - wind - anything
to feel real

screaming again - but my words are snatched
stolen, borrowed -
consigned


i go to sleep most nights - not wanting to wake up
most mornings
but i do - because i have no choice -
ultimately ....
i do it for everyone elses benefit
i can't fathom how the family would tolerate
my taking my own life
which is the only power i have at the moment

still pretty close to bottom.

its been about... well its been exactly 3 years and about three months... since i was laid off from my highest paying, most stressful job in my so called culinary career.

the next job after this was about a 40% drop in pay
then my father passed and I took
about a year and a half off - as a hiatus to get my life into perspective
i still need more time to set things right

also during this time 11 deaths have occurred, friends, family members and pets.

i cant win for losing... i am currently employed
able to save money
but something is missing.... all i do is work and come home and deal with
the issues after my father's death.... which is a lot

im not sure how much longer i can handle all of this.

a first

the first time in almost 16 years I've taken a job in food - where I don't have to cook. I like the fact that I can go to work - be at work and come from work and have little to no stress.
also i think i get to meet a mentor - or mentee tomorrow.

hidden meaning part 2

me no like the game

if you didn't want me to call you
don't give me your number

i'm an adult
be honest with me.

hidden meaning...?

If you worked with sodexho on our campus - I'd be able to see you.

wonderings

every other day is a still a struggle

waking up eating and going back to sleep
this hole i'm in
is not really deep
but its slippery

i want for so much
( i want to go to there )
but mainly
having these horrible thoughts
not be so frequent

a new female friend sked me
what makes me happy
and i still have no answer

thats it