the best thing....

this is possibly the best thing I've heard concerning me.

" My girlfriend is fucking a black guy! " A woman speaking about me to her girlfriend.

which way?

not believing

i refuse to believe that we just die....

just not wake back up

as much as we suffer through just living
it would be a shame
to realize that
there is nothing

random stuff

wondering if i do this just for me to read - or to write

for others to read

stuff on my mind -

will i still go with my plans and throw in the towel
and no longer cook - sort of waiting for the 7 emu's - to talk me into jumping.....
but i jump any way but i always wake up - in the same place here.

laura dawn drunk in sedona and leaning in to say that she loves me
and somehow i fucked that up


i feel stuck - not many options
waiting for the leaves to fully develop
and then only waiting for them to fall in the fall
so i await my new beginning only to drop and decompose.

i have a catering proposal out that hasn't been confirmed
so i wait ... but i had hoped to be ahead of the game
but like my life is right now - a clusterfuck

my dad is always on my mind
so now i am wondering who will die next - and the ramifications....


other than that everything is fine.

mnnnmn

southwest senior ticket privileges

free window seat
choice of pureed foods
free wheel chair upgrade
map of plane
silent movie channel
southwest tennis balls for front of walker
free oxygen
seeing eye dog
helper monkey - ( puts straw in mouth)
free dose of "senior moment" vitamins
pre chewed - senior moment vitamins
first on plane first off
seat in aisle in back
extra padded seat
afghan to keep you warm
hearing aid for movies -
aarp magazine

map of plane just in case you lose first one
note pad and pen to write notes
clip to clip note pad to chest
oatmeal as choice of food - (cream of wheat for the negroes)
card to give south west employees telling them who you are and where you are going
muzzle - just in case of senior moment in mid air
alka seltzer, mylanta and dulcolax gift pack
magnifying glasses for reading - available from 3 x to 12x - all colors available

words

time…….

travel -

given the chance
to go back
or
to continue ahead


i keep dropping into
unfamiliar months
watching
waiting for that one two word sentence

and i'm off
slightly askew
limbs no longer akimbo

head first
shall i dare to stop time
and wait for you to say i don't …. again

or I won't or can't or shouldn't
or maybe not….

I won't
I can't

I shouldn't care as much as i do
(I don't care)
maybe i should

i keep chasing
and running away from time -

i fear that one day i will run out
and that one day i will have all i need
and not know what to do with either

how i lost weight

stopped drinking soda - including my consumption of diet soda

stopped eating fast food

stopped eating sugar - or well i think its about 85 percent less than usual

started eating three times a day

started eating healthy three times a day

doubled my consumption of fruits and veggies

and walk.... anywhere from 3 - 5 miles 2-3 times a week

end result... lost 30+ pounds since march.

Sedona

I still believe that the majority of people who move to sedona can not make it any where else and they end up staying there - for fear of facing reality.

ready.....

to leave - to go anywhere - the urge to not cook has greatly influenced my not cooking
i'm not sure to where - or if i'll ever get back in that kitchen

but i thrive there - - i thrived even though it put me on my knees

and made me ask for forgiveness



i do this every time i enter the kitchen
pray to whomever to forgive me for my bad decisions
and pray that the gods of the line - have mercy on me tonight

and pray that my feet will hold up

etc....

none of my prayers have been answered yet.

freak outs

one this house is horrible to be in alone..... esp for any extended period fo time -
and as a rule a long time ago probably around 2001 - i told my self after two in public - " events "

that i was only allowed to have my freak outs in the safety of my own home......
and i'm thinking that either tonight or tomorrow i'm really due.

the house is still settling

i am confused.... being brought up catholic
but at the age 26 finding zen buddhism

half of me wants to believe that there is a god - so that this life when it ends
will have some sort of meaning

the other half believes that there is such a thing of reincarnation

but after recent events -
i believe that this is it - there is no coming back - there is no afterlife

so as much as i fuck up in this life - and i have
there is no reward - or restitution

i just cant or dont want to think that when i die -
thats it
but .....