you always remember your first.....

talk to me please....

i need someone to talk to

to who ever reads this.....

i wish to thank whoever read my last two or three blog posts and left me comments - you don't know how much you have helped me -

sleep

i do not really want to go to sleep tonight... because if i did i'd have to wake up and face the day.....

scream

sometimes I just want to scream..... but I can't
two years with my head down - shoulders slumped
scorned, disenfranchised ( marginalized) unfettered

sometimes i need to scream - but usually walk away
with my fingers pointed to my temple
pulling the trigger -
but again that wouldn't solve anything
because i still walk away -
in the midst of a day dream
and i wake up - in the middle of
clutching sheets -
air - wind - anything
to feel real

screaming again - but my words are snatched
stolen, borrowed -
consigned


i go to sleep most nights - not wanting to wake up
most mornings
but i do - because i have no choice -
ultimately ....
i do it for everyone elses benefit
i can't fathom how the family would tolerate
my taking my own life
which is the only power i have at the moment

still pretty close to bottom.

its been about... well its been exactly 3 years and about three months... since i was laid off from my highest paying, most stressful job in my so called culinary career.

the next job after this was about a 40% drop in pay
then my father passed and I took
about a year and a half off - as a hiatus to get my life into perspective
i still need more time to set things right

also during this time 11 deaths have occurred, friends, family members and pets.

i cant win for losing... i am currently employed
able to save money
but something is missing.... all i do is work and come home and deal with
the issues after my father's death.... which is a lot

im not sure how much longer i can handle all of this.

a first

the first time in almost 16 years I've taken a job in food - where I don't have to cook. I like the fact that I can go to work - be at work and come from work and have little to no stress.
also i think i get to meet a mentor - or mentee tomorrow.

hidden meaning part 2

me no like the game

if you didn't want me to call you
don't give me your number

i'm an adult
be honest with me.

hidden meaning...?

If you worked with sodexho on our campus - I'd be able to see you.

wonderings

every other day is a still a struggle

waking up eating and going back to sleep
this hole i'm in
is not really deep
but its slippery

i want for so much
( i want to go to there )
but mainly
having these horrible thoughts
not be so frequent

a new female friend sked me
what makes me happy
and i still have no answer

thats it

the best thing....

this is possibly the best thing I've heard concerning me.

" My girlfriend is fucking a black guy! " A woman speaking about me to her girlfriend.