Help me.....

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop..... I am always assuming that this will end badly and possibly steer it that way. I'm trying to figure out the why's behind it. Was it the rejection of so many women in my past - or friend zoned was it the death of Sheila or better yet my only truly female best friend back in 2009. was it my sabatoge of my relationship with Rocky - even though she was married and had children back in her country. Was it the failed relationship with francine - obviously she wanted a friend and me much more than that. Who would have someone that has a crush on them and is driving all the way to Laguna beach to spend time with them. Have them meet a man (" this is the man I cheated on my husband with!")and think nothing of it. She is living with someone now and wants me to come out to australia and work for free and witness her fucking some other dude when she wouldn't even fuck me.... or i could be completely oblivious and it was me that fucked all of this up.....