2010

wishing 2009 good riddance, 2010 should be much better - big changes in store for me in next few weeks - happy new year to you all and a shout out to those who helped me through 2009 it has been a struggle ( you know who you are... hopefully )


i will be back home in 8 weeks or so - i will be in limbo for the first time - self inflicted limbo - since 2001 - - i need this i deserve this....

getting out - and up

i am slowly getting out of this rut called my life.....
i went out to see friends/ former co workers this past two days
some i hadn't seen in a year or so
it was nice to be up and out
i think that since i have about 8 weeks left here - working wise
12 weeks here i need to get up and out more often.

hope....

my cousin who is older than me.... by 10 years has just gotten engaged
and has recently lost 60 pounds.....

there is hope for us all - i need to get my shit together

heritage

my great grandmother had a restaurant in washington dc - it was located next to the howard theater - which was the only place in dc at the time where black actors/actresses and singer musicians could perform and they went next door to my grandmother's restaurant to eat....

she was also the first black woman to have a liquor license in washington dc.

update - sort of...

i have an after end of my tucson fling schedule - i will find out soon
when i have to be in dallas, texas - i m going to a dallas mavericks game sometime in march - and this is good because i can start really getting my shit together and tying up loose ends and leave - i'm ready - two things i am really waiting for
1 - holiday bonus from work
2 - quarterly bonus from work which i should get in january or so

i can't believe the year is almost up... and i have nothing to show for it.

stuff....

i have been recently scanning other blogs - to either get more inspiration - or just to read something - i go through phases in which i read like a book a day and then nothing for 6 weeks - i am ending the 6 week period and i need a book to read pronto

anyway - back to what i was talking about previously
i've noticed a lot of blogs that deal with medical problems or issues of the author or someone in their family -

i dont have any medical issues worth talking about - ( here ) anyway
but i have come to realize that i am a cheater when it comes to relationships
either i cheat on my significant other - or i am the other man
a recent example was i was " seeing " this lady and i went out
with three other women during the 6 month period....

nothing happened but i knew then that when i am not getting treated how i want or get enough attention in a relationship - i'm out
searching for another woman to fill the void

i figure as long as i know how i am going to act then its an acceptable part of my behavior -

i love women too much to be with just one.

i can't escape

or so it seems

91 days left in tucson

strange......

my outside of job food related stuff - is me currently working on a recipe for a friends restaurant in hermosillo mexico - me inside of work pulling a dishwasher shift tomorrow - it.does.not.get.any.better.than.this.

for sarah.

5 favorite fruits

i have 5 favorite fruits - three are ready now
cuties(california clementines), pink lady apples & and cara cara navel oranges

the other two are ready around june & july

pluots and rainier cherries

my current mood

soberly thoughtful; pensive.

happy, happy, no

rounding the corner

it's getting real, the move east - it's almost mid november
so about 4 months or so but the holidays always fly by so fast

spent today updating the resume -

posted an ad in the dc/md/va craigslist to fish for any leads on private chef and catering gigs

sent off 2 e-mails to friends in the catering business looking for on site chef gigs...

i know its a few months out but i like to get my network on early....

today....

today is the one year anniversary of me being laid off from canyon ranch.... the past year has been a struggle - but i survived.

for real..... for true

Idleness is not just a psychological necessity, req­uisite to the construction of a complete human being; it constitutes as well a kind of political space, a space as necessary to the workings of an actual democracy as, say, a free press. How does it do this? By allowing us time to figure out who we are, and what we believe; by allowing us time to consider what is unjust, and what we might do about it. By giving the inner life (in whose precincts we are most ourselves) its due. Which is precisely what makes idle­ness dangerous. All manner of things can grow out of that fallow soil. Not for nothing did our mothers grow suspicious when we had "too much time on our hands." They knew we might be up to something. And not for nothing did we whisper to each other, when we were up to something, "Quick, look busy."

"Quitting the Paint Factory," by Mark Slouka

lies..... still

i talked to her - long distance - not sure how far it is as the crow flies
from tucson to manila - 7,933 to be exact and a half day or so ahead or a 3/4 of a day ahead - the end result of the conversation
i'm still not being 100% honest with her
i'm not sure - maybe because i can get away with it

maybe because of this

so i don't know if we ever
one: talked to each other again
or
two: were in the same place at the same time

we would fall back into our usual roles
and thats the truth.

full circle

in a few months im going to drive back east - most possibly by myself -
and i am sort of planning the where's i want to go to -
i know that i must go back to los angeles to see my sister and up north to san francisco
to see one of the two very important women in my life right now.
i also want to go to the monterey bay aquarium

so tucson to san diego to see friends, up to los angeles
then up to san fran and berkeley
back down to sedona, tucson phx.arizona to hang out one last time
then to santa fe, dallas - then this part seems empty right now
then asheville nc, maybe either nashville and or charlottesville va, then back to dc/md
the gap between dallas and asheville is huge - i have to figure that area out

trickle....

at work the shit hitting the fan has been trickling down
and i am strting to suffer
even though i am not in management now....

i used to be and know how much it sucks at times....

i feel sorry for the sous chf at my job
i don't want to be in his shoes at all - plus he's a good dude

meh

brownies

1 cup bittersweet chocolate chips
¾ cup unsalted butter ( 1 & 1/2 sticks )
1 ½ cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 teaspoons curry powder
4 large eggs
1 1/4 cup All Purpose flour


place butter, and chocolate in saucepan. heat over low heat until butter has melted.
place sugar, flour, salt, curry powder, and eggs in a mixing bowl.Stir in the chocolate

In a greased 9x13 pan pour brownie mixture and bake in 350 degree oven for 20 minutes.

in a small sauce pan over low heat, melt the butter, chocolate, vanilla and curry powder.
in a mixing bowl mix together brown sugar, flour, salt and eggs.

add the chocolate mixture to the mixing bowl with the brown sugar, flour and eggs.
mix until everything is combined

in a well greased 9x13 pan. put the brownie mixture and bake in a 350 degree over for 20 minutes. cool, cut and enjoy with either chai tea or a really good coffee from sumatra.

elmo sorry.....

it's your birthday......

happy birthday sarah h.

enjoy.....

.....zig zag

what do you do when the woman you should be married to is already married?

this?


i wish i could just let go sometimes but my programming forces me not to....

jessica simpson mourns her dog....

"anyone who lives in the southwest, knows that when a dog or cat is taken
by a coyote - that they will not be back - they are what you would call lunch
the same reason quail have so many children, because a certain percentage will go towards the circle of life....



this is another keyword test.....

rufusal

i refuse to let my one life highlight
involve telling random stories of how i dated that girl from the movie swordfish
geez, that was over 6 years ago and i've plateaued since then
- looking ahead for ether ( either )
a hill to climb or a hill to descend
both hills
both strenuous to my legs.....
who needs that?


if you're interested here she is.

i am a luckdragon.....

this is running into whirlpools as we speak.
the water is cold
but spirited.

i am being counter-intuitive
believing that time is relative
i don't even wear watches anymore
the stress makes me nervous
and i dont like standing still, waiting

i am forcing myself to write in this again

" I love you " - and other stories from a crack head

i have one crackhead living with me in my apartment right now
- it's not what it seems. the term " crackhead " means the apt is dirty -
depending on the degree of dis-array - is directly in relation of how many crackhead live in my apt - so one is not that bad


i am restless - wanting to go, but looking out windows waiting for rain....
and a break to this heat, the desert dries you out, turns you browner,
my stalker from my previous job just got married - so i can't even call having a stalker a success anymore - or a successful stalker - anyway

i am forcing myself to write in this again... and it's not working
i am exhausted, need new shoes, and need to eat a weeks worth of vegetables.....

Hello ma'am, would you be interested
In some sexual positions and emotional investments ?

shot...

just had a " multiple orgasm ' shot took a sip - went to sleep, twenty minutes later took another sip, went back to sleep, got up yelled out my own name etc......

stupid is as stupid does

i am postponing the inevitable - i've been good
with not doing dumb shit, but i'm about to dive in head first
no worries i can see the bottom - it's sand, it gives

koi blog pond

they will follow your cursor
if you click your mouse - you can feed them!!!!!

no names as of yet....

yet another....

my relationship with sleep - is almost as bad as my love-hate relationship with cooking.... anyway

just wondering out loud.
if i go to sleep, i will wake up and go to work - i don't want to work tomorrow
so on paper - if i don't go to sleep, i don't have to wake up therefore i shouldn't have to go to work, does that make sense?

oh btw i will find out tomorrow if im getting full time status at the job, and i have not heard from the cup cake ppl yet.............

the one thing i miss about my last job is being able to yell out falcor!! in the kitchen nd having james respond by yelling back atreyu!!!!!

chicken fried bacon....

tomorrow...

two things going on.....
an interview for a baking position
and ricky's wake - not really ready for either....

but i always pull through - i need extra money, and my brain needs to be challenged
not necessarily worried about working two jobs, because i have the time, but worried
about working and not enjoying my last 5 months here

conundrum.....

ricky gibbings

it has occured to me that a lot of people are being forwarded here - i guess that is the right word through search engines when they type in " ricky gibbings " as i fathom the sudden death of a friend - i am also just amazed at how many people he has touched in his life not only me but scores of others, always saying the same thing - he made me laugh, and i too found myself laughing at what ricky had said or was about to say, but i guess one of my greatest memories was when i was able to make him laugh - i refer to it as being foot strap pants day.... another inside joke that we shared so if you are sent here because of a search engine or other method - just know that he is missed by me and a huge amount of others and we are all sad to see him go, but know that he is watching us always

r.i.p. ricky gibbings

tired....

so in a span of three months two of my good friends have passed away....
r.i.p. tiffany allen, r.i.p. ricky gibbings......

you never know when your time is up.

horus

my dad

every time my dad sees someone bending over he makes a fart noise.... even if we're in the car, it's almost a game - i think that it's hereditary....

turning around....

i have an interview next thursday.... for baking - this would be my first job primarily baking, i've done it before but always as secondary......

also as i was perusing craigslist - i'm always looking for extra work i see my employer
is looking for a part time cook - which is interestng because i am the part time cook
maybe i am getting full time status... who knows?

oh yeah my car is fixed - it's almost 100% finished just two more things need to be fixed
well three, but the third is the windshield

any way off to bookman's to try and sell some used dvd's

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

storm...

i mede it through the initial storm now just trying to figure out
how to clear the debris and re-build

i heard this today.... " as far as I'm concerned, yesterday didn't happen."

and the rest of my day was good

going to bed

i am sure tomorrow will be eventful - as much as today was.....
or sleep my ass off - i think i am done with cooking - 15 years of busting my ass and i end up here - not sure if it was worth it - if i had that choice i would have stayed in college.

must keep writing

i have to keep writing tonight - to clear my head - a month from now i will re-rad this and gain a lot of knowledge from it or deny everything - it's 12.26 am saturday - nothing planned until monday morning or so... i should be returning phone calls but by then i'd have to realize that i have a tail and it's between my legs.- im soo good at running - so its easy for me.... i know that i need help but once my mind is free from torment and the chatter - i will not know how to function.....
so used to it....

on the verge of giving up...

throwing in the towel - turning in all my chips - my past of making financial mistakes has finally caught up with me.... and i am stuck. not answering my phone - dodging and weaving - i am stronger than this but not really.....i had high hopes but ever since i was laid off i have not been able to re-coup anything - money wise or my mental status...
to go from a high point in my life to the bottom - in 9 months - it happened quickly
but now im ready to give up..... i have my friends but it's me that's making me not reach out..... i am because with my current pay check i can barely make it through the end of the month....... then what?

random....

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

" I'd smell it first. " Tanya T. G.

prescott for a few months.....

i am contemplating this - i need to get away for a few weeks.....
cooking up north.... no heat friends... the ex ( sort of )
we'll see

a death....

so my car died today...... a case of the grinding flywheel.
it will cost a lot to fix because they have to pull out the transmission to fix it
i dont have " pull out the transmission to fix it " money right now - not sure what i'm gonna do

paranoia....

ok - back in the day when i was into drugs and such - i used to get really paranoid - which is one of the reasons i stopped - that and one really scary night - but anyway one of my re-curring re-occuring themes of paranoia was i used to think all my married friends wanted me to sleep with their wives.... it used to freak me out tremendously
but i would have been up for it

another connected story was in sedona my bosses were married on paper but not together
and at one of the holiday parties we all had been drinking and i kissed my boss and she smiled and told me to kiss her again... as she pulled he hand out of my pants pocket.....
i won't go on with the rest of the story but needless to say some of my paranoia was realized as a bit true....


oh - tip your server.....well!

what am i doing?

two random facebook comments left on my page and im and such - wondering where i am and up to.... have i been out of the loop that much.?

just chillin watching top chef vegas

wondering where is dale?

Dale! Are you still a chef...well I guess once a chef always a chef. Yes, its been a while...I am in Austin at the moment enjoying the extream heat and high humidity :)

public apologies....

it's time for me to dig myself out - of this hole i'm in - and apologize for being m.i.a for the past few months.... the shit i've been going through has been all consuming... but my birthday has presented itself as a step ladder to help me up and out....
i am sorry ( to james and sarah ) for bailing on you today with the baseball game -
since having only three hours sleep last night - insomnia is back - i was totally upside down .... i also need to apologize to everyone else - they know who they are - for not returning phone calls - being distant and secretive - i am getting better - believe me -

word....

happy birthday to me.....

300th post

thought i'd be a bit more excited about 300 blog posts over a year plus of writing -
my birthday is in 4 days - more like three when you read this and i'm so so about it - ye sim a year older, glad to have survived, blah etc and all that good shit - but not sure if i want to acknowledge it or let it go i told my brother today that i am done with arizona - that i have squeezed all of the water i can out of this rock. and i feel the same way about my impending celebration of my life - granted if asked and i had a choice to pick the circumstances surrounding my birth i keep it all the same minus the daily battle i have with my mind - i torment myself just to make sure i am still alive - once the chattering stops. who or where will i be then?
i know, i know.......
so i am here now - it's friday now - thursday when i started writing this
the tv is on but its just noise
i listen to music and have the tv on to try and cancel each other out
but it all ends up in noise
a woman i desperately loved once just gave birth to someone else's child
a woman i loved once is far more happy now than she waa when dealing with me and she's engaged now
and the only woman i have ever thought about bearing my children is moving back to australia - soon.....

and you know what it's all noise now a bunch of run on sentences....mainly consisting of verbs and adverbs - static, noise

i decided finally to announce my future plans and everyone seems excited that i'm moving back to my home in md

but i failed - i lasted 12 years on my own and i have nothing to show for it
maybe 100 extra lbs and less hair but nothing i can brag about
i lost the hghest paying job i have ever had - and now i am making half and turning in my loose change to coinstar

( fin )

i like to wear shoes that are two sizes too big
because i still don't know what i want to be
when i grow up.

extra, extra

she opened her mouth to speak, i swore i could see a sign that read
" next tooth, 2 miles." i got to stop speed dating......srsly

circle gets the square

ok - where are you?

is it possible that we are both looking for each other at the same time?

july - still painting....

new drink......

ok i want to make sure everyone knows this is my drink that i came up with
not sure if blogging about it constitutes a copyright but......

new drink called cuba sangre

rum, coke zero , freshly squeezed lime juice and a splash or cranberry juice

ok you tell ME what it is ...

little red flags.....
i see them in the distance, i ignored them today
but in a hour and a half i might just say fuck it.....

i was lied to - but i guess its ok, since i was the one who was lying

but this goes back to my genes - about the tendency of the men in my family to stray...
but if what i believe is true - it really wasn't or I really wasn't the other man - but it was all lies and i ended up being the other man - i did not tie up too many emotions in this - but still...... deception is just that

also i am reallly glad to not be working at the ranch
freedom from being the resident bitch is nice

my thoughts are running randomly right not - good idea to just stay home
and try to herd them in and back to the barn

also still trying to find my lost 20 dollar bill

time off.....

i keep tellling myself - that i'm gonna take time off for myself -
i.e. not dating or hanging out with the opposite - sex - but i fail at every attempt
i love women and their company too much...

and yes sarah - me not writing in this was bologna..... fried up and put in a sandwich - but in your case soy bologna

two weeks later

i still am - not sure about writing in this blog
with the death of a close friend -
and everything going on in the world
my thoughts have been elsewhere

and usually they cycle back to zero and i move on
not able to move on just yet

nothing more to say......

I think that this is the end of this blog......
i have nothing more to say, but feel free to browse the archives

RIP

rest peacefully


i saw you - or thought i saw you last week
i see you everywhere now - being chased by horses
asking me for your eggs scrambled soft
on the southwestern eggs benedict

i see you everywhere now
early in the morning at the lodge
barely speaking to each other
because we are both waiting for the coffee to finish brewing

even earlier - at the spa
making turkey wraps and smoothies

i see you more often than you thought
the painting that sat over your sofa - that i did
more for you than the house

i want to thank you for introducing me to two
really good friends now Marina and Vince

i saw you - a year and a half ago -
and we had an argument
a stupid argument - and that was my out
to break off our friendship
wish i hadn't but we are both too stubborn
to apologize.....

i see you everywhere now
at work - at home - drinking shitty german wines....
vortices, Van Damme Weddings - etc.....

i miss you
we all miss you.

R.I.P. Tiffany Elizabeth Allen 5/30/09

happy - oh not so

i think i should be happier than i am right now
but i'm not
no real reason - or maybe a lot of reasons
or a few - that make me think that this life
im watching from the outside - at times
is bad - or worser than i think it is

but its all a dream - and i wake up
every 30 minutes

realizes that another item on his list of must haves - has switched to the list of not gonna happen - and i'm getting used to it - i guess this is progress?

bbq crew

sounds like r kelley

bbq crew

extra, extra

pregnancy tests are now digital - personally i'm gonna wait until the HD ones come out....

dealing with good bye

i am dealing with saying goodbye
slowly -

saying good bye to tucson and america -
slowly saying goodbye to cooking - 60% of me wants to throw in the towel

my ultimate goal is to drop out of society for a while to take assessment

of my life thus far - 35 years in is about the half way mark for the men in my family
i want to see if i lived correctly - accomplished what i wanted
made amends when necessary
so that the second haalf of my life will be more structured

more meaningful - more spiritual

meh...

8 days off

i have had soem interesting internet issues the past week
but all are solved so i can at least start thinking about writingin this again

so my luck here in tucson has been iffy - some weeks good - some not
i met two rather important people - well more than two but
two heart placers

aand it turns out with my luck i have been able to pick ppl to get involved with
who after a few months or weeks decide - to leave and we'll never see each other again

the first one nearly wrecked me -
( rectum..? it damn near killed him )
but at least she is talking to me again
the other - is leaving on friday to go back to the philipines

from the jump we both decided that this was not a relationship
just having fun - but im not really ready to say goodbye forever
we were supposed to see each other tonight but its 11.30 and that seems distant
and tomorrow she's booked solid -

and friday im back at work....

but

thought of the day

Its a long day living in reseda
There's a freeway runnin through the yard
And Im a bad boy cause I dont even miss her
Im a bad boy for breakin her heart

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin

a whole day wasted

a note to myself

maybe tonight i'll have that dream again - you know the one where i was really happy........

food quiz

quiz

what do you eat when it rains?

what did your mom/ dad make for you when you were sick?

what was your favorite lunch when you were in 5th grade? 12 grade?

what is your favorite combination of flavors ( i.e. peanut butter and chocolate, )
favorite combination of seasonings, sweet hot, salty sweet, sweet spicy, bitter

if you could have anything for dinner what would it be?

what food do you hate?

pretzels, or chips with a turkey sandwich?

pepsi or coke?

are you tired of eating salmon yet?

rare, medium or well done ( meat)

raw medium or well ( fish)

chef tip.....

when you are cooking vegetables - or blanching -
such as green beans, the water you use must be salty
it should taste like the ocean......

blanching - cook quickly and cool quickly- in ice water.......

tight -

The twin-soul concept is not new. Plato described it 2,500 years ago. Here is an excerpt:

" ... and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight even for a moment...

ups and downs

i have my up days and my down days
but never this quickly has an up day turned on me so fast
i reached my plateau around 9.30 pm thursday and its the downhill
im experiencing now -
hopefully i will be at least going uphill on monday

and i believe i have jinxed myself - my recent conversation
with my brother if proven correct - will disrupt
my remaining months here

bullshit......

a red flag....

if a woman who is 31 years tells you that she has never masturbated
please, please take it as a red flag -

for one - that's bullshit
and two - seriously its bullshit

dream job part two.....

research and development of recipes
travel twice a month
working with underprivileged children/ and or families
teaching cooking classes
writing cooking blogs/articles free lance
culinary workshops
a little catering

since the lay off i've had time to figure out what i want to do - but more of what i don't want to do anymore...........

you don't have to say please......

pepe le pew style

le pant le gasp le wheeze

french - spoken in broken english
crossing borders
with a day pack
a camel - a camel packed to the hilt
freeze frame
two days later
and we are still in the same place
here - but we are together
so i guess that is ok....

twitter

i joined twitter - again
still trying to figure it out
eventually the blog, facebook and twitter will all be syncronized
so depending on how long you have you can see what i'm up to -

which is strange - never thought that that many ppl were interested

my twitter...

history

cooking for seniors

it took me a while to figure out the how's and why's of cooking for seniors - until i really thought about it - comfort food
but not comfort food as we think of it but comfort food from 60 years ago

like iceberg lettuce
thousand island dressing
tuna casserole
chicken marengo

60 years ago there was no balsamic vinegar, no " mixed greens "
shit, no frozen dinners either
vegetables were mainly frozen or from cans - and if they were fresh
they were cooked almost to a mush - desserts were pineapple upside down cake
instant pudding and jello were wildly successful and pretty much the newest latest

in the past 2 months i've made food i haven't made since culinary school
french basics and techniques......

60 years ago the food du jour was french or italian
no fusion, no pacific rim, ketchup not salsa
meatloaf, meatloaf - oh did i mention meatloaf


i am realizing that these were the glory days of food
cooking was simple - people still cooked - and had sunday dinners

i am cooking for sustenance now not for fashion or entertainment

i wonder now who will cook for me when i'm 85....

scared.....

i've been all talk the past 5 months about my future plans.... which as of now are not even beginning to pan out - i mean they are on the horizon, but i have no real way to get there - - -

i made a huge life change more than 10 year ago - moved 2500 miles away from home with no job and no place to live and i was able to go 10 years worry free ( that's bullshit )

so i have a decision - i can renew my lease for minimum of 8 months - at an increase of 5 dollars a month - and try to save money for travel - or let the lease go month to month and have the rent go up 100 dollars a month which right now i can't afford

or option three sell everything - move back home - try to pick up work for a few months and then travel - at least then i wont have any bills.....

everything is still up in the air......

today

i was able to see Kaya today, she is beautiful

and she inspired my 5 words of the day

respect, awareness, parsimonious, laughter & desire

today

i was able to actually get 2.4 miles of brisk walking under my belt

it was nice because i went against traffic

help.....

i need two new achilles tendons - where can i find them, how much do they cost?

cameo

one of my favorite apples.....

if i can find it.

lies..

i can't help myself
i'm lying to her all of the time now - it's becoming more than second nature

i blame it on one phrase she told me....
"you're harmless."

think again...

my Lucques story

on the right hand side of my blog is a list of my favorite links - somewhat
and each link has a personal story behind it

i'll go through each link - in no particular order...... over the next few weeks or so

the year was 1999 or maybe 1998 - and i had moved from vegas - i was working at one of Wolfgang Puck's restaurant - chinois - in the ceasar forum shops - around the corner from spago.....

so that job only lasted a few weeks - the pay was bad but i still think that they wanted me to quit - and i obliged

so i moved to los angeles and lived with my brother - i applied at a few places - but one day i saw this really small classified ad - and drove down to west hollywood - and actually went to the wrong restaurant and the hostess said - oh you want the restaurant next door - so the interview process was strange - i got interviewed by the sous chef - she asked me how i made mashed potatoes and took my picture - suzanne goin looked over my resume and that was short and sweet - i went home - made some sundried tomato focaccia and drove down to the restaurant and handed the sous chef my bread and my resume again - and i never heard from them again.... i didn't think much of it until i kept seeing the press for the restaurant and suzanne won best chef los angeles - it is still my favorite restaurant and i look at her menu every few months to see what she is doing....

i'll tell you tomorrow.....

and i planned to - but things came up
work wanted me to pick up a shift - i lied
dental appts - cell phone ringing
texts - updating this blog and interacting with my fb friends


so i'm sorry i didnt get back to you until now - and you know i hate talking to your
voice mail....

funny

southwestern style bar nuts

roasted almonds and orange flavored dried cranberries tossed in a chipotle caramel, ( sweet, smokey, tart and a hint of citrus )


about 1/2 lb of roasted unsalted almonds
1/4 lb of dried sweetened cranberries
about 1 cup of sugar
1 chipotle pepper ( in adobo ) chopped fine
2 tablespoons water
1 teaspoon kosher salt
2 tablespoons butter

add sugar and water to a non stick pan and cook over low heat
add the chipotle pepper and cook until it starts to become caramel in color about 5 minutes
add butter, almonds, salt and cranberries

stir until covered in caramel

note - this is not enough caramel to completely cover all of the almonds
but you will get some clusters - which is good because its not too sweet, just enough

this shit is supposed to be easy....

well - it isn't
i am trying to do one thing to my blog - add google analytics
so all ten of you who read this every other day - i can track -
i know i have a map at the bottom of this - and its all filled with dots
but it wasn't enough....
wait should i really be telling you that i am tracking this blog....

well yes - it actually gives me a chance to have an excuse to post more often
i.e. the more ppl who stop through - the better this gets and so on and so forth


you get the picture - well hoe-fully...

i will keep you updated....

( btw my window is open and i can hear my neighbors having sex - i am at least double what that dude can do time wise.... )

some of my likes......

hearing high heels walking across wood floors
women laughing
the smell of freshly washed but not quite dry hair
hearing my name from across the room
the sound and smell of sunday breakfast cooking - when i'm still sleeping
the smell of the salty air of the pacific
not having to use an alarm clock to wake up
( turning over and going back to sleep )

not from virginia

She bought me beer

and more beer

and more beer

Then she said hey

You need to put out

I bought you some beer


I said to myself, "I need more beer, she is offering beer for sex."

Done

I was nuts

I could have slept with many many others

But they never offered me beer.....

frank V.

my favorite punk band....

100 days - left or so

i am almost at the 100 day mark -
until i'm free - to walk - away from everything here
and since i'm walking i am not able to carry much.
a sturdy pair of shoes and what ever i can fit in a day pack
or one of these


i am curious to see how long i can survive - scratch that
survival is relative
my definition of survival is varied depending on the day
i mean my survival if i decide to drop out of society for 3 months

i can do this because i have a plan b - i always have a back up plan if things don't
pan out...

i was telling Brad F. ( that dude who dunked on kevin cromer, who foolishly decided to take a charge in a pick up game of basket ball )
that i was on the verge of having a mid life crisis - im 35 which may seem a bit early
but i've been working since age 20 so im due - really due....

a scene from my favorite movie....

chess....

I be liking chess
Cuz chess is crazy, right there, that's the ultimate
It's like a great hobby right there, playing chess
The board, the pieces, the squares, the movement
You know, war, capturing, thinking, strategy
Planning, music, it's hip-hop, and sports
It's life, it's reality

GZA

video of the day......

I will eat cookies for food......

at times i am quiet - a lot of the time i am quiet, i observe a lot
my main curiosity these days or lately revolves around two things... behaviour and word choice - I'll start with the second one first - my father is brilliant - he never graduated from high school but instead went to college at age 16 - he grew up in a time where they taught latin in public schools and children were forced to not only learn poetry but retain and recite on command classic poems - which to this day he still does - some 60 years later..... he has a love of words and their origin and derivations - we would read the dictionary together - and i still do that on occasion - so i write as well as cook - and my main purpose in my writings is choosing my words - even when i tend to repeat my words - when i write it is planned -

so my world is consumed with words - so much so that i am constantly listening to people - and making judgment not on what they say but what words they choose to express themselves - and i think wow did they really mean to say that word - do they know what that word really means - i wonder if they know i am picking apart this conversation

the words you choose say as much as the ones you leave out -

another one of my interests right now is behavior - or really the interaction between males and females - i have a lot of female friends - i think more than the usual male does - and the majority of these friendships are purely platonic - because i believe sex complicates things - anyway my current obsession with the interaction of males and females is this thing called mirroring - and this is so fascinating - i indulge myself daily to see if this is valid - and it is

my favorite test of mirroring is when i look at a person ( female usually ) i will raise my eyebrows upon greeting and 90% of the time the woman will mirror my actions - this insures that we are on the same page and we can continue....

people i have cooked for....

I was watching a pbs/bbc documentary today about black hollywood - and all of these images and memories came flooding back - not only about black hollywood - but hollywood in general - I used to work at the famous Beverly Hills Hotel, the only way in the kitchen was to take the graveyard shift - which was 9pm to 5am - it sucked but I benefited from it so much - after 11pm there were only two cooks in the kitchen and after 1 am it was just me - cooking for all of the after hours crowd and overnight room service - it was an interesting situation - because the maitre 'd who is mexican - would alert me when any famous black person was in the dining room and let me come out of the kitchen and meet them, which included Chris Tucker among others - I remember him the most because he would come back frequently mostly on my days off and ask for me - can you imagine coming back from your days off and someone telling you - " oh chris tucker was here yesterday looking for you. " and this continued - all through my career..... even in Tucson i seem to be always cooking for someone who i've seen on tv..

some of those I've cooked for.... Bobby & Whitney, Sean Combs & Jennifer Lopez, Shaq, Geraldo Rivera, Jay-Z, the black dude from Buffy the vampire slayer and his ghetto ass girlfriend, restaurant owners, notably The Farm in Beverly Hills, Bishop Noel Jones, Tyler Perry, Adam Sandler, I even taught Garret Wong how to make sushi in my sushi class in Sedona, Garret Wong played Harry Kim in Star Trek : Voyager. The list goes on......

negro.....

" what's up negro? "
my friend greeted me with this - today - and it made me hesitate
and i smiled - because she's cool ..

this is the first time i have heard her use the term negro - but she has on multiple occasions told me that i was not black - which a few other people have told me also....

anyway - she lived in south africa - so she is comfortable with other races as friends
we all are but i guess when you live as the monority
it becomes you to be friendly to everyone...

so i have a new found love for this woman - i always had - but
now its more concrete

my career thus far.....

i cook for a living..... if you can cal it that.
when i first started thinking about cooking - my sister's boyfriend at the time
gave me a name and a number of a local chef to call - he was black - and recently won the james beard award for best chef mid-atlantic - his name, Patrick Clark


so for a very busy chef - to set aside time to mentor a young cook -- was wonderful to say the least - and that was how my career began - although i never worked for him
( he turned down the chef job at the white house to go to new york to become the chef of the tavern on the green )

so we kept in touch - so for the first two years all i wanted was to become the best black chef in america - and i planned my resume around that goal - i also wanted to become an executive chef by age 30 - i bested that age by one year....

i had goals of working with or for Thomas Keller in yountville, i had an offer to try out
at his other restaurant bouchon - but never went - funny enough it came around again but again bad timing.

i worked with really good chefs - I learned both savory and pastry to become well rounded - i won an award " best breakfast in the usa " at this b&b i was the chef at in sedona.........

but something happened - maybe it was just working too much with no real break
or just had enough - not sure
but the past three years - my love for food has waned - and my heart is not in it anymore - the funny thing is i know if i really wanted to have a world class restaurant
i know i would be successful

wait i lied i know what the tipping point was - for 95% of my career i worked in places i couldn't afford to eat in and that started to bother me -
one morning early i stumbled onto this small cafe in boulder
and my life changed....

turrets syndrome

i think its because it only has 4 letters -
maybe its because its an old name - that you seldom hear anymore
but people like to say my name - like really like it
when i say people i mean women - i think somewhere in the deepest
parts of the universe - these 4 letters a, e, d, l, - combined to form my
name causes either dyslexia - she called me darryl tonight twice
or a minor version of turrets - the same night - she just yelled my name
and kept walking - so im not sure -

i really need to start listening to my sister....

i mean i have in the past - but it usually takes me a while to
put pen to paper and understand what she is saying...

i know she will never leave her husband for me - but i have finally
realized this fact..... its hard though - but i must go on

my latest obsession

me and brian constantly send each other e-mails of very beautiful women
because clearly we have nothing else to do
but here is my newest obsession
she plays on fringe

flirting...?

just curious - when women stick their tongue out at men ( me in general )
is it a sign of flirting - im not sure - but she was of an age where
i don't think she could comprehend flirting unless it was towards her peer group
which is still in high school.

so i took it with a grain of salt and let it go - she's probably old enough to be my daughter - if i was actually sexually active in high school....

new era

is it just me - but with all this new technology
coming out every day - why are we as consumers constantly watching and
waiting for our, cell phones, pda
s smart phones - iphones - laptops - etc batteries to die - so we can
charge them again - you'd think we wouldn't have to always be charging something

in the car, at work, at home -
its crazy.... like now i am constantly plugging and unplugging
my macbook - so i can preserve some sort of long battery life
for what reason/....\
so i can recharge it again...

humans depend on cycles - and wasting time

quote of the day......

“I’m the only player,” he said, “who looks at each and every center and says to myself, That’s barbecued chicken down there."

who would help with the body..???

just a quick question to ask yourself -
if you had to hide a body - which of your friends would help out
with no questions asked...??

my answer to this question was suprisingly easy.

what to do in tucson - when it is 80 degrees in feb.?

go on a hike
this is from the area surrounding the douglas spring trailhead

not as stable as i seem

i am un stable - not right this minute but in general -
my mind i think is way too advanced for this feeble body i was given and sometimes i
tend to over stimulate just for stimulation purposes

i am an insomniac - since i started my job at the Beverly hills hotel - in 1999
i worked the graveyard shift and that turned me internal clock upside down
and it has not been the same since - well i give credit to my layoff - that i actually had 8 weeks to catch up on 9 years or erratic sleeping - and i think i got back half of those years - so i am here now - sleeping better but every six weeks or so i am dumped again into this black hole of non sleeping - usually the full moon triggers it - or some fucked up situation with one of my various stranger than normal relationships with the opposite sex - like with one word or phrase like " we are expecting a baby in august - you're going to be an uncle " and my whole week of good sleep is gone

so when i am not sleeping is usually the time i choose to isolate myself from the outside world = save work - i usually am holed up in my apt. now i use the fact that i am making less money as an excuse which is true - but not - well i am saving for my trip.....

and i am funny in the outside world and quite the crowd pleaser - but at home i am quiet.... i tend to push people away - i a min the process of doing that now - i guess being asked to move to the phillipines was the last red flag i needed ....

so this is me - or the me i am sharing through this blog - the few ppl who know the real me - have no issues dealing with my quirks - but the one who was the best at it i threw away our friendship over a year ago over some dumb shit - and its far from being able to be saved - so i know that very few of the ppl i come in contact with lately will kmake the trip with me to my next phase....

oh and if you ever hear me talking about going back to Morro Bay, California
please, please talk me out of it....

times are a changing.....

yes - they are a changing

i think every single person makes a list like this
its standard practice - your top 3 or top 5 - those who got away - or those who you should have married etc.... i have one - and no i am not going to name names
that would not be in anyone's best interest at this point

but i have recently realized i have had this same list for the past 5 years
and it is still a list - nothing has changed - well
two of the top three are unattainable - but they have always been
i just decided to think outside the box....

and the other - i had to fight for time with - and i lost that fight
so what does this mean.... i probably wont get married
and kids are out of the question at this point in time

so what does that mean - back to square one i guess -
i was supposed to take the year off and spend it doing me things
but that only lasted a few months - so i am really looking forward
to my trip - to disappear for a while - let things in y life cycle back
to the beginning and start over..

who knows maybe this time it will work out for the best.

... my words......

transcending the heaviness of being human

i often fly in my dreams
out of necessity
free fall turns into flight
very close to the ground

if i count backwards ( from ten)
i'd make it to three
before my toes scrape earth
and i bound up into sky again

i try to pray but the wants and needs
are answered after the blessings of
the first breath in the morning
after any possibilities of
sustained flight

so i watch birds, butterflies
lightning bugs
and confide with
the occasional emu, ostrich,
and frustrated quail

they too dream of flight
they know of disdain and contempt
of windy days, kites
and airplanes

all i want is flight
if even for a minute
arms outstretched
fingers grasping air

all i want to do is fly......
if even for a minute


5/22/04
7: 23 - 7:30 pm

gifted borderline genius

i took an i q test - the only one i really
worked out for - but it doesn't really count
because it was online - my score - just a number
but it fell within the gifted borderline genius range.....

that was the only other time i was labeled a genius -
the other time dealt with my cooking skills -

so there thaT IS.....

i also think that that word is thrown around a lot
mainly by people who either can not grasp - what certain talents
others possess - or they can not find any other word to describe any given
situation -
sadly many genius goes unnoticed - until
after death -

or some genius is hidden behind the fearful and the ignorant

after reading this - you must think that i am fully
indulged in myself with that term called genius - that i go around
flaunting my mensa card -

not exactly - i just know what i am capable of
and there is still more to come....

you must have hit her with the golden skillet

i like the phrases my friends come up with
during random conversations
slang is great

" you must have hit her with the golden skillet "
" god damn who she play for..?"
" you are facebook friends with ______ aww that's Forced "
" dude is a lunch box "
" the adult seven needs to be introduced to the adult brad that dunked on kevin cromer
while playing pick up basket ball."
" slicing motherfucking throats "
" I'm gonna ram jam you so hard you're gonna blow your O ring "

136..

137 days left..........

the time is going pretty fast now - i am slowly coming to terms with it
i am putting everything in two catergories

what i will keep and what i will throw away

this is including some friendships.....
i realize i can't take everything with me - i don't want to

i need to walk the earth - for a while
to find out what phase two will be.

drums please

a random e-mail

e mail

i miss you
i miss our morning chats while
i was setting up
i miss hanging out, the movies,
cooking for you
but i gotta do
what i gotta do right?

i had a dream the other night
that i went to culinary college
and you and i opened a place
together.......

i remember
you and i
pouring over our wine list
together
thats all though.

write me back and catch me up ok .
love
tiffany

old school video of the day.

circle gets the square

i play grown up board games
like really old school board games
like in the park for all day
feeding pigeons popcorn games
like the starbucks that magic johnson owns
which is next to the friday's up the street
from where i used to live in los angeles games

i play backgammon, and try to play chess
and that's it - i like dice and boards with monochrome
squares on them - i like to feel the wind
outside - or on the beach in laguna
playing backgammon with a friend who has really weird thumbs
and has survived malaria

i like to think that i was born before.... maybe in harlem
maybe spain - maybe morocco
this would only make sense because all of these " gifts "
that i have came on without any notice

and consume me until i have trouble sleeping
sometimes i am so consumed - the only answer for me is to remain still
calm - almost shut down

all consuming love....

another to ponder

its grey - or gray out
i wake up to go to the door
and i can't see five feet in front of me
i know where my hands should be when the are
in front of my face - but i can't see them

i know how to perform when i know what's in store
but since i don't understand it - i can't see it

if i put one foot down - the other follows
by instinct only - we have no plans
other than weathering the storm

i tell them - that the fog will lift eventually
and we will be where we are supposed to be

just like now and the fog

and the insignificance it brings

there are lights everywhere - guiding, distracting, and enlightening
i drive past them all right now because they all look the same to me
i dont know the difference yet -

Paul Newman Recipe's.....???

I used to work here, in Agoura Hills, California - briefly
the job actually saved my life - but that's another story.

So rumor has it - that Paul Newman developed recipes for three vinaigrettes
for the restaurant, which could possibly be true - given the clientele of the restaurant
which was just a canyon's drive away from malibu.

so with all the restaurants I've worked in i either jot down the recipes or try to keep them memorized.....

anyway here are the three vinaigrette recipes.

Red Wine Vinaigrette
1 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup basil, chopped
1/4 cup parsley, chopped
2 cups Extra Virgin Olive Oil
a pinch of sugar
1/6 cup Dijon mustard
1 cup Red Wine Vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
1 T chili flakes

mix everything together.


Balsamic Vinaigrette
4 cups Balsamic
1 cup cold water
2 cups Dijon mustard
3 shallots. roughly chopped
8 cups extra virgin olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

i used a Burr mixer to make this, mixing all ingredients and slowly adding olive oil until emulsified

Citrus Vinaigrette
9 yolks
9 cups Extra virgin olive oil
3 cups lemon juice
3 cups orange juice
zest of one orange
zest of one lemon
5 T Dijon mustard
salt and pepper to taste
3 shallots, roughly chopped

again I used a Burr mixer to make this.
** very important - mix the shallots, dijon, egg yolks and olive oil first into a thick mayonaisse - if you dont the vinaigrette will break
add the remaining ingredients.

I checked the menu and I believe the restaurant still uses these recipes, i worked there in 1999.

bullshit......

so ok the whole " friends with benefits " is never just that -
there are always strings - somewhere - waiting to disrupt
a possible perfect situation

so - i pretty much ended it tonight -
or it has ended = or something

when the sun wakes me up tomorrow
or if it doesn't
i will be a little wiser

fail....

tax time....

i guess getting laid off - down sized has its pros - i didnt work for the rest of the year - so i missed a month of pay. - with my 401k and missing pay, i am actually getting money back from my tax return - not much but it helps....

so i got a job - the only real job i could have gotten in this economy

but here are the numbers - I took a pay cut a pretty substantial pay cut
( around 37.5% ) and about a 12 hour decrease in hours worked -
after a few weeks - end of feb - of getting comfortable at this job i will try to
get another job - just to pretty much break even between money coming in and bills


but i am only doing this to see the end result
my freedom - from everything - bad relationships - getting pulled in various directions
lies and falsies - robin hood vs darth vader - you know the usual dumb shit...

dont get me wrong - i got a job - which a lot of people who were laid off didn't get
i was also able to see the family during the holidays - three weeks at home

so i feel lucky, blessed - whatever

old school video of the day.

25 random things about me....

25 random things about me...
Share
Today at 1:26pm | Edit Note | Delete
1 - i have cooked for numerous celebrities - lately tyler perry
2- i am usually oblivious towards my surroundings
3- i am a writer first - been writing since ms nicastro's class at mc namara, junior year
4- apparently i was the " down fall " of the ssu basket ball team my sophmore year
5 - i am ocd about everything matching surrounding food - like enough hamburger meat for an eight pack of hamburger buns
6- my milk always expires before the cereal is gone
7- i won best breakfast in the usa in 2005
8- i started painting because of this girl named anne mo
9- i have been seen with women that are old enough to be my daughter
10 - i have many nicknames - most of them rhyme with my first name
11- i like to walk around barefoot in the winter
12 - i still think ledo's is the best pizza around - and i've eaten alot
13- i dont want kids - but my nieces and my god son are enough for now
14 - i have known francine for 5 years and i still only understand about half of what she says
15 - i am the funniest person i know
16 - i get along well with my brother and sister's friends as if they were my age
17- my dream job would be scoring films and television shows - not composing but using existing music
18 - i drank and smoked a lot in college enough for people to ask if i had a drug problem
19- i love to sleep in
20- i almost hooked up with one of my bosses wives -
21- i hate using the cell phone but i have to have it - in case of emergencies
22- i remember just about everything
23- my friends mean the world to me
24 - i met the woman who should have been my wife 8 years ago and just recently got re- introduced to her
25- i secretly listen to strange music like the smiths, bjork, and tori amos

over, done with, gone.....

time - does not exist to me anymore..... - i don't know what day it is most of the time
which is good - since my work week for the past 15 years has included
weekends and holidays
it seems normal to have tuesday and wednesday's off


but i am burned out completely - like even thinking about throwing in the towel
but i have to last another 6 months... by them we should be in an official depression
and i wont have to worry about getting a job because there will not be any
.....


i know this is getting depressing - no pun intended

fuck.....

day one of the job - over - went well -
153 days left - until i can finally leave -
ive been sick since halloween - i am allergic to making love

at least this is what she says.... not sure either way.....


i am a butterfly - just following the wind - wondering
where it will take me next....

I met someone who knows you.......

i thought i did - and it made me sound
cavalier - so i told her - i met someone who knows you....
just to bridge the gaps...... - a new position for me
i feel like the president - during his last week in office
anything to get me through it - and out the door

maybe with the new job i will finally be busier.....
i am assuming its going to be easy - but i think the term
i am looking for is different -
after 14 + years of cooking - food is just that food
but in this case it really is for survival - not status
and/or entertainment

purely - and actually for caloric intake - which is what
it is for..... I guess my notion of food has changed - for the first time i will not be cooking for the rich and famous - and that feels good -

a question i had trouble answering......

Have I ever made you happy??


I couldn't give a completely honest answer........

so I lied.

and it worked.

power to the people.......

i want my first 100 days at my new job to be as successful as our new
president - and as scrutinized

( power to the people )

i want to wake up to crowds on my doorstep
waiting for me to tell them what we'll do
and knowing that at night he isn't sleeping either

( the first, second and third person are mixed up already )

there is no need to fix or adjust -
be prepared to witness - london england consider yourself warned
this is how we do it, all night long
everyday - all day

old school video of the day.

interesting....

i lost my job on nov 7th - after a three day weekend - after obama won the election and became the president elect - i got a new job today 1/23 three days after obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the usa.....

im thinking that i should have vacationed in hawaii with him too

hot dogs....

i know you may have been sickened by the Luther Burger - or the Ham Dog - those were both studies in excess - but i really enjoy a hot dog -
and there are two on my list and I am lucky enough to live in a town where i can get both

they are the chicago style hot dog - at Luke's Italian Beef - on Alvernon way south of 22nd - and

the infamous sonoran style dog - there are many places in town to get a good sonoran style dog but My aunt took me to this place on the corner of 6th and Irvington called
La Esquina - sonoran style hot dogs - bacon wrapped hot dog with pinto beans, mexican crema pico de gallo and mustard...... i know - i know - but trust me its good

super spicy fried chicken....

end result - not spicy at all..........

super spicy fried chicken....

just a test recipe....

chicken legs ( 5 )
2 containers of los betos hot sauce - or any hot sauce that comes wit your burrtos
from your local mexican drive thru - ( about two tablespoons of any really hot hot sauce )

4 tablespoons ketchup

2 tablespoons sauers canadian style chicken seasoning

mix all ingredients and marinate chicken legs over night
roll chicken legs in un seasoned flour

fry until done......

Happy M.L.K. day...

The curse of poverty has no justification in our age. It is socially as cruel and blind as the practice of cannibalism at the dawn of
civilization, when men ate each other because they had not yet learned to take food from the soil or to consume the abundant
animal life around them. The time has come for us to civilize ourselves by the total, direct and immediate abolition of poverty.