Sunday, August 5, 2018


This is my little space... well and a tumblr I don't use that much this is my space to write out all my woes to an anonymous audience i have a lot of followers on my other social media accounts i have to keep up appearances and seem happy when I really have been in some sort of a cloud type fog since my dad died i haven't told anyone how hard its been since he died i hadn't seen him for about two years and he died suddenly when i was driving through texas coming home for good ever since texas my life has been a series of alternate realities sometimes intertwining and weaving together some days i don't know ho wi wake up in the morning

Friday, December 8, 2017

derealisation - depersonalisation

If I think my life is a dream and feel disconnected... I shouldn't have any regrets and worry about consequences because when I wake up i will be 16 again.... I wonder what trauma I've been through or am suffering that shot me into this dream state... at age 16 And it'll be like groundhog day - or that movie mr nobody

Saturday, July 8, 2017


trying this shit called dating again - expect the worst - anything else is a surprise im big, overweight, large - whatever you want to call it i always used to tell myself - as long as I'm not the biggest person in the room I'm all right but that's not a good answer i keep telling myself that on this date I will change - i will be bettter when i get a new job the weight will fall off i have a new blind date on monday - totally expecting that i will get the lets just be friends because I don't date fat guys..... I am gulity of that double standard - like look how fat she is I'd never date her fat guys are funny and will only be friends but there were those few exceptions but one is dead and the other is in another country

Monday, July 3, 2017

Friday, June 23, 2017

spiraling out of control

having a bad few days.... keep hearing no and that shit is hard to get in front of this has been this way since just before thanksgiving 16 hoping that this doesn't last the whole year but it might

Saturday, June 17, 2017

done for a while

really think that I need to focus on me and not try to date anyone at the moment. I guess me ghosting her the first time was the right decision.

friend zoned....

I don't do the friend zone..... sorry. Plus you can't tell me that there is no spark and you want to be friends. Then continue on with the conversation and ask me if I have any plans tonight like nothing just happened or that you are trying to change the subject. that's worse. and thats two just friends speeches i got. one text and at least the second had the decency to call me -.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

wider, wider still

things are better - she suprised me by doing what she said she would but she also told me what to do - leave a voicemail if i'm busy - so im not sure what's going on - this natural progression of a possible friendship is actually foreign to me - this is the result of how crazy the people i chose to pursue were this was dropped in my lap - like - you fucked this up the first time - I'm giving you a second chance - who knows if there will be a third time - usually not so i'm going with it i hope to see her sooner than later

Saturday, June 10, 2017

I hope your tears don't hurt, and I can smile in your face Cut my losses how Delilah changed my locks to a fade I hope you happy, I hope you happy I hope you ruined this shit for a reason, I hope you happy. ( this is not me speaking but being spoken too )


I have to choose my words wisely. I have limited myself to be able to lose it in only two places now.... at night in bed and here in my words. I know (hope) someone is reading this and understanding.... I am in a state of slight confusion... Every time i set a date or event to give me any excuse to walk away or stop communication she redeems herself.... She has been completely straight with me - eager to go out. I am way over thinking this btw. I can be scary and I have been accused of being a stalker btw that was only one time - that time i got caught.... ( only kind of kidding here ) I amrealizing that i need help but and this - me writing here isn't helping. It' completely one sided. I wonder what she's thinking we are probably both on the fence with each other.... This question still is in the back of my head. Why did I stop communication with her the first time - and exactly how long ago was that? I know this has to be before the first solo trip to paris which was 2015. I can only reference it by the various dating apps It wasn't tinder or hinge.... so it had to be okcupid so we may be talking more than 2 years ago - this is weird. feel free to leave a comment ...... I need to know that someone is reading this.... I am ok really - i tried to vent on instagram and everyone got all freaked out. I want this to be anonymous.... or rather I want to not know who is reading this - rather i'd like my readers to remain anonymous