Sunday, May 21, 2017

Rules of Engagement here.....


Only allowed to have my freak outs in bed at night in the safety of my room, and to write about them here.

Help me.....

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop..... I am always assuming that this will end badly and possibly steer it that way. I'm trying to figure out the why's behind it. Was it the rejection of so many women in my past - or friend zoned was it the death of Sheila or better yet my only truly female best friend back in 2009. was it my sabatoge of my relationship with Rocky - even though she was married and had children back in her country. Was it the failed relationship with francine - obviously she wanted a friend and me much more than that. Who would have someone that has a crush on them and is driving all the way to Laguna beach to spend time with them. Have them meet a man (" this is the man I cheated on my husband with!")and think nothing of it. She is living with someone now and wants me to come out to australia and work for free and witness her fucking some other dude when she wouldn't even fuck me.... or i could be completely oblivious and it was me that fucked all of this up.....

Saturday, May 20, 2017

In need of a distraction...

I've been good.... only allowing my freak outs to happen at night while I am in the bed... sleeping. I can't let these happen in the real world anymore the last one was when I walked out on my job. But it was understandable or justified.... The freak outs now are always dating related. I fucked up the one with Liliana big time, by being paranoid and slightly stalkerish. It took me a while but I realized that this situation was crazy. I was in another country just heard about the possible job in paris and the first time I actually let myself fully grieve for my father who passed away a few years earlier. Also that time of year in Mexico was day of the dead celebration. Needless to say my emotions were raging all over the place and to add a possible love/lust interest was too much and I folded onto myself and imploded. I think we may still be friends but I think she thinks I'm crazy and I am.
I am in need of a distraction while this possible new dating prospect is out of the country. I saw her on Thursday and probably won't see her before she leaves which is this Wednesday, and she gone ten days after that. But I also have to take into consideration she won't be able to see me either....

Sunday, May 14, 2017


So here we are - the age of only being able to date while I am unemployed. Or rather only meeting quality women when I am unemployed. Here she is. So she is busy.... I am not. When I start working again we will be both busy. Not even second date yet but preparing for the worst. We first met over a year ago but nothing came of it. When I say met we met online but no in person meeting. blah blah blah..... to now - one successful date awaiting second date. Trying not to get bored.

Sunday, March 26, 2017


I'm currently in paris here to be exact - one week down, two to go. This trip I'm letting any and all signs to plan my days.... sounds funny but i usually believe that everything happens for a reason..... but never actively look out for the signs. This trip i am - and it looks like I will be hanging out with two 40+ prone to being drunk american and swedish women. I'd hit both.... but disaster would ensue - but when doesn't it? If you are wondering I'm the car, I'm always the car.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

这几天找到一种新的方法,让自己镇定下来,把自己摔倒也是对抑郁的一种抗衡,每当我碰触到地面就彻底躺平,行人啊,车辆啊,都可以从我身体上踩踏过去、碾轧过去。而且这种时候意识会变得无比清醒,智慧和记忆力好像也增强了,所有关注过的事件都历历在目,甚至背诵得出当事人说过的话,1997年白宝山在监狱中说:我出去就要杀人。如果判我20年,我出去杀成年人。如果判我无期徒刑,我减刑出去,杀不动成年人了,我就到幼儿园去杀孩子。 我总是能听到开枪的声音,开始的时候我有点害怕,时间久了,也就习惯了,那声音也像有人在用槌子往我脑袋里钉钉子,好像有一个建筑工地,有人要盖摩天大楼,盖了这么多年也没盖好,好多无家可归的人在我的脑袋里面哭啊闹啊,我要被吵死了,他们不让我睡觉,也不让我出门。不睡觉也好,不出门也好,反正每天出门前,穿上精心挑选好的衣服,照着镜子怎么看都觉得像要去参加自己的葬礼,消极得那么隆重。每一个目的地都像是为了追悼自己而要赶赴的灵堂。 我也害怕出门听到那些关心和疑问,“你看起来那么开心,怎么可能抑郁呢?”,“你有什么可以抑郁的,我还抑郁呢”,“你总是那么矫情”,“他又在装腔作势”……这些声音比我脑袋里的声音更容易使我紧张。在所有牵扯到两个或者两个人以上的人际关系中,要么我就会不停地说话,要么我就会一直沉默。所有的假装轻松都让我筋疲力尽。 这么多年,我一直在给自己治病。一人分饰医生和病人两角,有时候医生给病人治病,有时候病人也给医生治病。彻底把生活过成了一所医院,每天只是流连在各个不同的病房里,外面的人进不来,自己也走不出去。

Tuesday, January 27, 2015


still quite confused...... the paris internship has quickly fallen apart. I am still trying to find a suitable replacement - so now do I give back all the money donated - only $400 but still. I went out on a date with someone that couldn't compare to her in mexico city. but I don't think any date or female will and that kind of sucks. We are still friends/friendly, but I am curious what will happen when I am working again and also busy. If she lived here our schedules wouldn't coincide..... see I am always over thinking shit. Did I tell you I unfriended a few of my exes on facebook - and when I say exes I mean women I've dated but not necessarily been in a relationship with, well maybe one but not really. So I'm still in a fog as of now - I'm getting interesting job offers here but I really don't want to live here.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

true true

“Dude it’s not bullshit. I’m telling you. It’s happening to me right now. I think this girl is really hot and funny and smart and she’s cool to hang out with and it’s all good but there’s no way I could make it anything more because of a lot of issues” “What kind of issues?” “Well like because she’s so great there’s a big chance I’ll fuck it up. And it would suck too much to fuck it up with this girl. So I can’t go there.”