Friday, December 8, 2017

derealisation - depersonalisation

If I think my life is a dream and feel disconnected... I shouldn't have any regrets and worry about consequences because when I wake up i will be 16 again.... I wonder what trauma I've been through or am suffering that shot me into this dream state... at age 16 And it'll be like groundhog day - or that movie mr nobody

Saturday, July 8, 2017


trying this shit called dating again - expect the worst - anything else is a surprise im big, overweight, large - whatever you want to call it i always used to tell myself - as long as I'm not the biggest person in the room I'm all right but that's not a good answer i keep telling myself that on this date I will change - i will be bettter when i get a new job the weight will fall off i have a new blind date on monday - totally expecting that i will get the lets just be friends because I don't date fat guys..... I am gulity of that double standard - like look how fat she is I'd never date her fat guys are funny and will only be friends but there were those few exceptions but one is dead and the other is in another country

Monday, July 3, 2017

Friday, June 23, 2017

spiraling out of control

having a bad few days.... keep hearing no and that shit is hard to get in front of this has been this way since just before thanksgiving 16 hoping that this doesn't last the whole year but it might

Saturday, June 17, 2017

done for a while

really think that I need to focus on me and not try to date anyone at the moment. I guess me ghosting her the first time was the right decision.

friend zoned....

I don't do the friend zone..... sorry. Plus you can't tell me that there is no spark and you want to be friends. Then continue on with the conversation and ask me if I have any plans tonight like nothing just happened or that you are trying to change the subject. that's worse. and thats two just friends speeches i got. one text and at least the second had the decency to call me -.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

wider, wider still

things are better - she suprised me by doing what she said she would but she also told me what to do - leave a voicemail if i'm busy - so im not sure what's going on - this natural progression of a possible friendship is actually foreign to me - this is the result of how crazy the people i chose to pursue were this was dropped in my lap - like - you fucked this up the first time - I'm giving you a second chance - who knows if there will be a third time - usually not so i'm going with it i hope to see her sooner than later

Saturday, June 10, 2017

I hope your tears don't hurt, and I can smile in your face Cut my losses how Delilah changed my locks to a fade I hope you happy, I hope you happy I hope you ruined this shit for a reason, I hope you happy. ( this is not me speaking but being spoken too )


I have to choose my words wisely. I have limited myself to be able to lose it in only two places now.... at night in bed and here in my words. I know (hope) someone is reading this and understanding.... I am in a state of slight confusion... Every time i set a date or event to give me any excuse to walk away or stop communication she redeems herself.... She has been completely straight with me - eager to go out. I am way over thinking this btw. I can be scary and I have been accused of being a stalker btw that was only one time - that time i got caught.... ( only kind of kidding here ) I amrealizing that i need help but and this - me writing here isn't helping. It' completely one sided. I wonder what she's thinking we are probably both on the fence with each other.... This question still is in the back of my head. Why did I stop communication with her the first time - and exactly how long ago was that? I know this has to be before the first solo trip to paris which was 2015. I can only reference it by the various dating apps It wasn't tinder or hinge.... so it had to be okcupid so we may be talking more than 2 years ago - this is weird. feel free to leave a comment ...... I need to know that someone is reading this.... I am ok really - i tried to vent on instagram and everyone got all freaked out. I want this to be anonymous.... or rather I want to not know who is reading this - rather i'd like my readers to remain anonymous

Thursday, June 8, 2017


I am bracing for the other shoe - we met before online of course. I remember her but for the life of me I don't remember why I stopped chatting with her. I have to think it was me who stopped. Was I bored, did I think it wouldn't go anywhere? was i bored.... Did I push her away which I do really well... Did I tell you that I've lost a lot of people since 2009? People dying left and right. Did I mention I lost a woman very close to me... a woman that I loved. Did I tell you that our last conversation was a huge fight and I told her that I would never speak to her again She got into the wrong crowd after that. Drugs - selling and using. she became addicted and eventually lost her life - no one knows what happened. she was found in a bathtub overosed on some drug and drowned. or she killed herself.... my sister said she wanted to die - and she's happy now... Did I tell you the story of how my first girlfriend - was killed in a drunk driving accident when she was in her 20's? She and I were girlfriend and boyfriend in elementary school... I was talking to a girl who went to school with us. I knew she liked me - still does. She basically told me that she knew that I loved Sheila and she couldn't compete with that. So I have let my guard down down completely to three women over the years.... two died and one totally ripped out my heart so I ask you why do you think I am waiting for the other shoe to drop?