finally over...

best e-mail ive written in a long time.... Glad we spoke today…… I did have feelings for you - but those have lessened as time has passed - why I haven't been in contact with you for the past few weeks - need to step away for a bit I understand your situation completely - but I have to admit after three years of totally dedicating my life to my mom and family after my dad passed - fortunately or unfortunately the first time I decided to do things for me - and actually let myself even begin to like someone - you were there. and I think I just had three years of pent up " stuff " and needed to get it off my chest - It was necessary in the healing process to let my guards down for a bit and I thank you for letting me do that - or putting up with it or tolerating it - I'm glad we hung out - etc…. I tend to express myself better in writing than speaking…. again glad to get everything out in the open… and we both can move forward.

fuck you....

i knew it..... even if you pencil me in on your calendar - and i know that you are going to cancel.... i gave you the option the day before to be considerate to at least cancel - and not wait until the day of and tell me or not tell me at all.... smh

i was wrong about everything....

i have to start waiting a few minutes before I write stuff....

thanks....

I guess you're not getting your book back.... Childish? Maybe. But if you won't return texts, and or calls - well, let's just say that if you want this biography of rothko back you're gonna have to pick up the phone. I'm not even going to read it.

See me, want me, give me, trust me. Feed me, fuck me, love it, touch me. This whole world is cold and ugly. What we are is low and lovely. I am the most beautiful boogie man. The most beautiful boogie man. Let me be your favorite nightmare. Close your eyes and ill be right there.

shit

I'm in one of those fuck everyone moods - but also in one of those i need someone to talk to anonymously moods - I hope this doesn't last long

tonight...

One of the better decisions in the past three months was to go out tonight... I'm glad I did... more to come

I fly in my dreams

I have had the same flying dream for years.... It feels real, natural, and it means that I am in control if only for that brief moment of lucid dreaming. The last flying dream I had - i came to a decision, or rather came to a conclusion. One - I need a haircut, and two....well look at this. People think I'm buggin or I have the heebiejeebies The reason they can't find me is because they can't see me

livestrong

oops I lied.....

losing

I am quickly losing interest......pet peeve - If you say your going to call, please call or a simple text - saying you're busy... pretty simple shit, it's called being considerate.

is anybody out there?

I am writing again.... It feels good - since I really don't have anyone to talk to about this... ( I do, but choose to let whomever stumbles on this blog, to read it) I am still using blogger.com because I can rest easy that since it's not tumblr or wordpress - I know that not a lot of people are cruising this site. 6 years ago or even 7 i had a lot of readership, and I was almost forced to write in it everyday. mainly writing what I wanted people to believe about me - make myself sort of more than what I am. Now I am using it as an online journal..... writing the stuff thats in my head so I can sleep or get through the day - I made a rule years ago after a few too many incidents - that I was only able to have my freak-outs at home - now I have a new rule since technology has advanced I can no longer text ppl what I am really thinking at anytime - or at least wait 10 minutes to calm down and then respond..... ( she told me that she might have to go to north carolina - but I still had a minor freak out - because that was two cancelled dates in one week) she has not lied to me,( recently) but I am always over thinking things.