pre valentines day

I haven't written in this blog in over 4 years.... a lot has happened..still at the same job. Currently dealing with my mom needing two knees. My uncle having stage 4 prostrate cancer which has spread to his bones and possibly his lungs. good friend of family who Ive known since birth ( i recently turned 50 ) was in a car accident so bad that she had to be cut out of the car. She may not walk again. what else??? I started producing music... check it out here or here I am still dodging mostly unwanted sexual advances at work and also trying to out kick my coverage which my friend brian calls it my folly and tomfoolery I call it me being counterintuitive Tomorrow is valentines day I have someone who i am interested in but she is ghost like in nature not " ghosting " but more of an apparition we work together i may see her once or twice a week for a minute or less and the past few times I havent even seen her face no eye contact.... we touched hands fleetingly.... i keep fumbling this and maybe she won't kick or attempt a pass in direction but there is always the sexual harassment which are mostly offsides penalties I should be going to bed... wish me luck for any of the above

holy shit.... so much to tell you but if you are reading this currently you know of the covid pandemic the explosion in beirut and all the other craziness.... but its been a while since I've written here today is my birtday and I've gone back into my alternate reality again by a video of the woman i should be married to and her daughter but this is strange because its also like inception a dream in a dream in a dream I know that I entered this alternate reality a little more than ten years ago it happened in texas a few hours before my dad passed away I was pulled over by the police and after that my whole world disappeared... and I am here now - where ever here is every few years I want to wake up in my real reality but I could be much worse off than here I may be in a coma now reliving my time before the onset of the coma or sleep trying to determine possible outcomes and getting them wrong but the good thing about this alternate reality is that i get to see my almost wife and step daughter a lot and that's so much more thanwhat I had in my real life i may not want to leave

how do I say this????

ok... ok = ive been reading and watching too many videos about exes breaking up and one wanting to get back together... about husband 's wives dying first and the sorrow that brings... and I've finally realized that I will probably be single from here on out... and I"m ok with that... I am anti anti social if that makes sense but I've either been too tired or too busy to even think about dating... but thinking about seeing a professional for sex - i crave ouch but not talking.. i say this and revert back to my old ways bothering women from my past because of boredom.... which i am doing now and - and i don't know what else to say

An ICD and a pacemaker are not the same thing

But according to the three alternate realities that I am diving in and out of now its pretty damn close.. Lets see cookies an ICD and a pacemaker... three plot points that have presented themselves in the past two weeks that prove my theory.. That i am either in a come dreaming all of this or just sleepwalking.... I'll explain...It involves three women... three very important women going back to the early 2000's and not ending or concluding right about now. First is Francine who I met in Sedona AZ ... we hit it off from day one... probably the woman i should have married but thats really not a huge part of this movie err story... Second is Liliana who I met randomly on a trip to Mexico City using tinder... this Trip to Mexico was also the same trip I found out about the job in Paris again another part o this story Third is Isadorra who I met back in February when I started the job at the charter school I think I met her my first day on the job... So ok you are asking how do these three women from various parts of your alternative realities ( the past 15 years ) coincide... and have manifested.. Well there is this cookie... that i made at a job I was working . A spicy dark chocolate chip cookie. I stumbled on a recipe that I haven't been able to find since. Its a really good cookie. One that I've only made twice or three times since the job in Sedona and one of the two or three recipes I don't give out. Francine loves these cookies. Like LOVES these cookies and has been begging me for the recipe for ever. Liliana was a brief but very intense 10 day affair in Mexico city that I was totally unprepared for and nearly lost my shit when I had to fly back home... the affair it being day of the dead me dealing with the death of my father and Paris made for a very intense and emotional trip. I think very fondly of that trip I found out that Liliana has a pacemaker implanted which makes her life monitored and fragile... I decided to make the spicy chocolate chip cookies for my bosses house warming party a few months ago. Not really thinking of it. Everyone loved the cookies. Especially Isadorra who to this day still asks for me to make them again. So I'm thinking wow both she and Francine love these cookies and they are two women I am fond of and hava no issues talking to them and they both are touchy feely and usually I'm so so about that but allow it with these two... And randomly Isadorra and I were talking and she pulls her top to the side to show me a scar above her heart. She has an ICD implanted (again monitored and fragile.) I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason and signs presenting themselves... I think it really more than just a coincidence that Isadorra embodies the qualities of both Francine and Liliana but Isadorra is married and has a daughter. Ive met her daughter and husband... so some days I can be around her and somedays I try to stay away... also trying to keep my coworkers guessing on how I may or may not feel about her. We wee friendly at work nw we talk more and now I find myself texting her after work and on the weekends... how is this movie going to end. oh none of these woman are american

hidden

This is my little space... well and a tumblr I don't use that much this is my space to write out all my woes to an anonymous audience i have a lot of followers on my other social media accounts i have to keep up appearances and seem happy when I really have been in some sort of a cloud type fog since my dad died i haven't told anyone how hard its been since he died i hadn't seen him for about two years and he died suddenly when i was driving through texas coming home for good ever since texas my life has been a series of alternate realities sometimes intertwining and weaving together some days i don't know ho wi wake up in the morning

derealisation - depersonalisation

If I think my life is a dream and feel disconnected... I shouldn't have any regrets and worry about consequences because when I wake up i will be 16 again.... I wonder what trauma I've been through or am suffering that shot me into this dream state... at age 16 And it'll be like groundhog day - or that movie mr nobody

monday

trying this shit called dating again - expect the worst - anything else is a surprise im big, overweight, large - whatever you want to call it i always used to tell myself - as long as I'm not the biggest person in the room I'm all right but that's not a good answer i keep telling myself that on this date I will change - i will be bettter when i get a new job the weight will fall off i have a new blind date on monday - totally expecting that i will get the lets just be friends because I don't date fat guys..... I am gulity of that double standard - like look how fat she is I'd never date her fat guys are funny and will only be friends but there were those few exceptions but one is dead and the other is in another country

"You met me at a very strange time in my life"

spiraling out of control

having a bad few days.... keep hearing no and that shit is hard to get in front of this has been this way since just before thanksgiving 16 hoping that this doesn't last the whole year but it might

done for a while

really think that I need to focus on me and not try to date anyone at the moment. I guess me ghosting her the first time was the right decision.

friend zoned....

I don't do the friend zone..... sorry. Plus you can't tell me that there is no spark and you want to be friends. Then continue on with the conversation and ask me if I have any plans tonight like nothing just happened or that you are trying to change the subject. that's worse. and thats two just friends speeches i got. one text and at least the second had the decency to call me -.