derealisation - depersonalisation

If I think my life is a dream and feel disconnected... I shouldn't have any regrets and worry about consequences because when I wake up i will be 16 again.... I wonder what trauma I've been through or am suffering that shot me into this dream state... at age 16 And it'll be like groundhog day - or that movie mr nobody

monday

trying this shit called dating again - expect the worst - anything else is a surprise im big, overweight, large - whatever you want to call it i always used to tell myself - as long as I'm not the biggest person in the room I'm all right but that's not a good answer i keep telling myself that on this date I will change - i will be bettter when i get a new job the weight will fall off i have a new blind date on monday - totally expecting that i will get the lets just be friends because I don't date fat guys..... I am gulity of that double standard - like look how fat she is I'd never date her fat guys are funny and will only be friends but there were those few exceptions but one is dead and the other is in another country

"You met me at a very strange time in my life"

spiraling out of control

having a bad few days.... keep hearing no and that shit is hard to get in front of this has been this way since just before thanksgiving 16 hoping that this doesn't last the whole year but it might

done for a while

really think that I need to focus on me and not try to date anyone at the moment. I guess me ghosting her the first time was the right decision.

friend zoned....

I don't do the friend zone..... sorry. Plus you can't tell me that there is no spark and you want to be friends. Then continue on with the conversation and ask me if I have any plans tonight like nothing just happened or that you are trying to change the subject. that's worse. and thats two just friends speeches i got. one text and at least the second had the decency to call me -.

wider, wider still

things are better - she suprised me by doing what she said she would but she also told me what to do - leave a voicemail if i'm busy - so im not sure what's going on - this natural progression of a possible friendship is actually foreign to me - this is the result of how crazy the people i chose to pursue were this was dropped in my lap - like - you fucked this up the first time - I'm giving you a second chance - who knows if there will be a third time - usually not so i'm going with it i hope to see her sooner than later

I hope your tears don't hurt, and I can smile in your face Cut my losses how Delilah changed my locks to a fade I hope you happy, I hope you happy I hope you ruined this shit for a reason, I hope you happy. ( this is not me speaking but being spoken too )

words

I have to choose my words wisely. I have limited myself to be able to lose it in only two places now.... at night in bed and here in my words. I know (hope) someone is reading this and understanding.... I am in a state of slight confusion... Every time i set a date or event to give me any excuse to walk away or stop communication she redeems herself.... She has been completely straight with me - eager to go out. I am way over thinking this btw. I can be scary and I have been accused of being a stalker btw that was only one time - that time i got caught.... ( only kind of kidding here ) I amrealizing that i need help but and this - me writing here isn't helping. It' completely one sided. I wonder what she's thinking we are probably both on the fence with each other.... This question still is in the back of my head. Why did I stop communication with her the first time - and exactly how long ago was that? I know this has to be before the first solo trip to paris which was 2015. I can only reference it by the various dating apps It wasn't tinder or hinge.... so it had to be okcupid so we may be talking more than 2 years ago - this is weird. feel free to leave a comment ...... I need to know that someone is reading this.... I am ok really - i tried to vent on instagram and everyone got all freaked out. I want this to be anonymous.... or rather I want to not know who is reading this - rather i'd like my readers to remain anonymous

words....

I am bracing for the other shoe - we met before online of course. I remember her but for the life of me I don't remember why I stopped chatting with her. I have to think it was me who stopped. Was I bored, did I think it wouldn't go anywhere? was i bored.... Did I push her away which I do really well... Did I tell you that I've lost a lot of people since 2009? People dying left and right. Did I mention I lost a woman very close to me... a woman that I loved. Did I tell you that our last conversation was a huge fight and I told her that I would never speak to her again She got into the wrong crowd after that. Drugs - selling and using. she became addicted and eventually lost her life - no one knows what happened. she was found in a bathtub overosed on some drug and drowned. or she killed herself.... my sister said she wanted to die - and she's happy now... Did I tell you the story of how my first girlfriend - was killed in a drunk driving accident when she was in her 20's? She and I were girlfriend and boyfriend in elementary school... I was talking to a girl who went to school with us. I knew she liked me - still does. She basically told me that she knew that I loved Sheila and she couldn't compete with that. So I have let my guard down down completely to three women over the years.... two died and one totally ripped out my heart so I ask you why do you think I am waiting for the other shoe to drop?

keep reading

Let's be friends.... no... sorry I'm at an age where I don't need any new friends. Do you really think that men will say - sure let's be friends. That distraction last week that ended up being a first and last date - and an invitation to the friend zone. I'm sorry that it takes me a few meetings to be myself - we all present our best selves to determine if there will be a second or third date I"m waiting for that third date - which hopefully will coincide ( will not ) with my 6 week cut off /..\ that is another story

whoever's reading this keep reading

all I asked for was a distraction - something similar to this but as it always happens - this distraction has turned into another first date.. I will always say yes to a date... you really need to get back from vacation.

stop doing stupid shit

You are on vacation here. 5500 miles away. I wanted a distraction - I got a few distractions which was harmless and quite entertaining. You need to hurry back - My distractions are turning into me doing stupid shit.

Stupid shit. If you found out what I was doing - whatever we are doing - friends, casual dating - whatever would end. I know if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be very angry and upset which are two different things. You don't deserve that - I need to stop but I've been doing stupid shit like this since freshman year of college. I just met you. I don't want you to end up in my list of what if's. It's horrible there.

Rules of Engagement

.....click here.....

Update...

Only allowed to have my freak outs in bed at night in the safety of my room, and to write about them here.

Help me.....

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop..... I am always assuming that this will end badly and possibly steer it that way. I'm trying to figure out the why's behind it. Was it the rejection of so many women in my past - or friend zoned was it the death of Sheila or better yet my only truly female best friend back in 2009. was it my sabatoge of my relationship with Rocky - even though she was married and had children back in her country. Was it the failed relationship with francine - obviously she wanted a friend and me much more than that. Who would have someone that has a crush on them and is driving all the way to Laguna beach to spend time with them. Have them meet a man (" this is the man I cheated on my husband with!")and think nothing of it. She is living with someone now and wants me to come out to australia and work for free and witness her fucking some other dude when she wouldn't even fuck me.... or i could be completely oblivious and it was me that fucked all of this up.....

In need of a distraction...

I've been good.... only allowing my freak outs to happen at night while I am in the bed... sleeping. I can't let these happen in the real world anymore the last one was when I walked out on my job. But it was understandable or justified.... The freak outs now are always dating related. I fucked up the one with Liliana big time, by being paranoid and slightly stalkerish. It took me a while but I realized that this situation was crazy. I was in another country just heard about the possible job in paris and the first time I actually let myself fully grieve for my father who passed away a few years earlier. Also that time of year in Mexico was day of the dead celebration. Needless to say my emotions were raging all over the place and to add a possible love/lust interest was too much and I folded onto myself and imploded. I think we may still be friends but I think she thinks I'm crazy and I am.

I am in need of a distraction while this possible new dating prospect is out of the country. I saw her on Thursday and probably won't see her before she leaves which is this Wednesday, and she gone ten days after that. But I also have to take into consideration she won't be able to see me either....

Almost......

So here we are - the age of only being able to date while I am unemployed. Or rather only meeting quality women when I am unemployed. Here she is. So she is busy.... I am not. When I start working again we will be both busy. Not even second date yet but preparing for the worst. We first met over a year ago but nothing came of it. When I say met we met online but no in person meeting. blah blah blah..... to now - one successful date awaiting second date. Trying not to get bored.

Paris

I'm currently in paris here to be exact - one week down, two to go. This trip I'm letting any and all signs to plan my days.... sounds funny but i usually believe that everything happens for a reason..... but never actively look out for the signs. This trip i am - and it looks like I will be hanging out with two 40+ prone to being drunk american and swedish women. I'd hit both.... but disaster would ensue - but when doesn't it? If you are wondering I'm the car, I'm always the car.

这几天找到一种新的方法，让自己镇定下来，把自己摔倒也是对抑郁的一种抗衡，每当我碰触到地面就彻底躺平，行人啊，车辆啊，都可以从我身体上踩踏过去、碾轧过去。而且这种时候意识会变得无比清醒，智慧和记忆力好像也增强了，所有关注过的事件都历历在目，甚至背诵得出当事人说过的话，1997年白宝山在监狱中说：我出去就要杀人。如果判我20年，我出去杀成年人。如果判我无期徒刑，我减刑出去，杀不动成年人了，我就到幼儿园去杀孩子。 我总是能听到开枪的声音，开始的时候我有点害怕，时间久了，也就习惯了，那声音也像有人在用槌子往我脑袋里钉钉子，好像有一个建筑工地，有人要盖摩天大楼，盖了这么多年也没盖好，好多无家可归的人在我的脑袋里面哭啊闹啊，我要被吵死了，他们不让我睡觉，也不让我出门。不睡觉也好，不出门也好，反正每天出门前，穿上精心挑选好的衣服，照着镜子怎么看都觉得像要去参加自己的葬礼，消极得那么隆重。每一个目的地都像是为了追悼自己而要赶赴的灵堂。 我也害怕出门听到那些关心和疑问，“你看起来那么开心，怎么可能抑郁呢？”，“你有什么可以抑郁的，我还抑郁呢”，“你总是那么矫情”，“他又在装腔作势”……这些声音比我脑袋里的声音更容易使我紧张。在所有牵扯到两个或者两个人以上的人际关系中，要么我就会不停地说话，要么我就会一直沉默。所有的假装轻松都让我筋疲力尽。 这么多年，我一直在给自己治病。一人分饰医生和病人两角，有时候医生给病人治病，有时候病人也给医生治病。彻底把生活过成了一所医院，每天只是流连在各个不同的病房里，外面的人进不来，自己也走不出去。