tired....

so in a span of three months two of my good friends have passed away....
r.i.p. tiffany allen, r.i.p. ricky gibbings......

you never know when your time is up.

horus

my dad

every time my dad sees someone bending over he makes a fart noise.... even if we're in the car, it's almost a game - i think that it's hereditary....

turning around....

i have an interview next thursday.... for baking - this would be my first job primarily baking, i've done it before but always as secondary......

also as i was perusing craigslist - i'm always looking for extra work i see my employer
is looking for a part time cook - which is interestng because i am the part time cook
maybe i am getting full time status... who knows?

oh yeah my car is fixed - it's almost 100% finished just two more things need to be fixed
well three, but the third is the windshield

any way off to bookman's to try and sell some used dvd's

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

storm...

i mede it through the initial storm now just trying to figure out
how to clear the debris and re-build

i heard this today.... " as far as I'm concerned, yesterday didn't happen."

and the rest of my day was good

going to bed

i am sure tomorrow will be eventful - as much as today was.....
or sleep my ass off - i think i am done with cooking - 15 years of busting my ass and i end up here - not sure if it was worth it - if i had that choice i would have stayed in college.

must keep writing

i have to keep writing tonight - to clear my head - a month from now i will re-rad this and gain a lot of knowledge from it or deny everything - it's 12.26 am saturday - nothing planned until monday morning or so... i should be returning phone calls but by then i'd have to realize that i have a tail and it's between my legs.- im soo good at running - so its easy for me.... i know that i need help but once my mind is free from torment and the chatter - i will not know how to function.....
so used to it....

on the verge of giving up...

throwing in the towel - turning in all my chips - my past of making financial mistakes has finally caught up with me.... and i am stuck. not answering my phone - dodging and weaving - i am stronger than this but not really.....i had high hopes but ever since i was laid off i have not been able to re-coup anything - money wise or my mental status...
to go from a high point in my life to the bottom - in 9 months - it happened quickly
but now im ready to give up..... i have my friends but it's me that's making me not reach out..... i am because with my current pay check i can barely make it through the end of the month....... then what?

random....

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

" I'd smell it first. " Tanya T. G.

prescott for a few months.....

i am contemplating this - i need to get away for a few weeks.....
cooking up north.... no heat friends... the ex ( sort of )
we'll see

a death....

so my car died today...... a case of the grinding flywheel.
it will cost a lot to fix because they have to pull out the transmission to fix it
i dont have " pull out the transmission to fix it " money right now - not sure what i'm gonna do

paranoia....

ok - back in the day when i was into drugs and such - i used to get really paranoid - which is one of the reasons i stopped - that and one really scary night - but anyway one of my re-curring re-occuring themes of paranoia was i used to think all my married friends wanted me to sleep with their wives.... it used to freak me out tremendously
but i would have been up for it

another connected story was in sedona my bosses were married on paper but not together
and at one of the holiday parties we all had been drinking and i kissed my boss and she smiled and told me to kiss her again... as she pulled he hand out of my pants pocket.....
i won't go on with the rest of the story but needless to say some of my paranoia was realized as a bit true....


oh - tip your server.....well!

what am i doing?

two random facebook comments left on my page and im and such - wondering where i am and up to.... have i been out of the loop that much.?

just chillin watching top chef vegas

wondering where is dale?

Dale! Are you still a chef...well I guess once a chef always a chef. Yes, its been a while...I am in Austin at the moment enjoying the extream heat and high humidity :)

public apologies....

it's time for me to dig myself out - of this hole i'm in - and apologize for being m.i.a for the past few months.... the shit i've been going through has been all consuming... but my birthday has presented itself as a step ladder to help me up and out....
i am sorry ( to james and sarah ) for bailing on you today with the baseball game -
since having only three hours sleep last night - insomnia is back - i was totally upside down .... i also need to apologize to everyone else - they know who they are - for not returning phone calls - being distant and secretive - i am getting better - believe me -

word....

happy birthday to me.....

300th post

thought i'd be a bit more excited about 300 blog posts over a year plus of writing -
my birthday is in 4 days - more like three when you read this and i'm so so about it - ye sim a year older, glad to have survived, blah etc and all that good shit - but not sure if i want to acknowledge it or let it go i told my brother today that i am done with arizona - that i have squeezed all of the water i can out of this rock. and i feel the same way about my impending celebration of my life - granted if asked and i had a choice to pick the circumstances surrounding my birth i keep it all the same minus the daily battle i have with my mind - i torment myself just to make sure i am still alive - once the chattering stops. who or where will i be then?
i know, i know.......
so i am here now - it's friday now - thursday when i started writing this
the tv is on but its just noise
i listen to music and have the tv on to try and cancel each other out
but it all ends up in noise
a woman i desperately loved once just gave birth to someone else's child
a woman i loved once is far more happy now than she waa when dealing with me and she's engaged now
and the only woman i have ever thought about bearing my children is moving back to australia - soon.....

and you know what it's all noise now a bunch of run on sentences....mainly consisting of verbs and adverbs - static, noise

i decided finally to announce my future plans and everyone seems excited that i'm moving back to my home in md

but i failed - i lasted 12 years on my own and i have nothing to show for it
maybe 100 extra lbs and less hair but nothing i can brag about
i lost the hghest paying job i have ever had - and now i am making half and turning in my loose change to coinstar

( fin )