thanks.....

having a random conversation with a friend ( new ) who has replaced my best friend who died killed herself - she talked me down from doing something stupid tonight - i can't tell her anything otherwise.... not sure how I'd feel if I knew someone was suicidal and i helped them - to not do it - wondering if i would help them to do it....

what time is it???

It's been a while.... I've been back and forth with my life - another friend died - another woman decided to only go out with me once... I'm looking for a job - here in this area but it seems that I will have to move, probably after the holidays because I know that once I start cooking again I will devote my whole life back to food - and It hasn't been my best decision ... I have been posting here as well

finally over...

best e-mail ive written in a long time.... Glad we spoke today…… I did have feelings for you - but those have lessened as time has passed - why I haven't been in contact with you for the past few weeks - need to step away for a bit I understand your situation completely - but I have to admit after three years of totally dedicating my life to my mom and family after my dad passed - fortunately or unfortunately the first time I decided to do things for me - and actually let myself even begin to like someone - you were there. and I think I just had three years of pent up " stuff " and needed to get it off my chest - It was necessary in the healing process to let my guards down for a bit and I thank you for letting me do that - or putting up with it or tolerating it - I'm glad we hung out - etc…. I tend to express myself better in writing than speaking…. again glad to get everything out in the open… and we both can move forward.

fuck you....

i knew it..... even if you pencil me in on your calendar - and i know that you are going to cancel.... i gave you the option the day before to be considerate to at least cancel - and not wait until the day of and tell me or not tell me at all.... smh

i was wrong about everything....

i have to start waiting a few minutes before I write stuff....

thanks....

I guess you're not getting your book back.... Childish? Maybe. But if you won't return texts, and or calls - well, let's just say that if you want this biography of rothko back you're gonna have to pick up the phone. I'm not even going to read it.

See me, want me, give me, trust me. Feed me, fuck me, love it, touch me. This whole world is cold and ugly. What we are is low and lovely. I am the most beautiful boogie man. The most beautiful boogie man. Let me be your favorite nightmare. Close your eyes and ill be right there.

shit

I'm in one of those fuck everyone moods - but also in one of those i need someone to talk to anonymously moods - I hope this doesn't last long

tonight...

One of the better decisions in the past three months was to go out tonight... I'm glad I did... more to come

I fly in my dreams

I have had the same flying dream for years.... It feels real, natural, and it means that I am in control if only for that brief moment of lucid dreaming. The last flying dream I had - i came to a decision, or rather came to a conclusion. One - I need a haircut, and two....well look at this. People think I'm buggin or I have the heebiejeebies The reason they can't find me is because they can't see me

livestrong

oops I lied.....

losing

I am quickly losing interest......pet peeve - If you say your going to call, please call or a simple text - saying you're busy... pretty simple shit, it's called being considerate.

is anybody out there?

I am writing again.... It feels good - since I really don't have anyone to talk to about this... ( I do, but choose to let whomever stumbles on this blog, to read it) I am still using blogger.com because I can rest easy that since it's not tumblr or wordpress - I know that not a lot of people are cruising this site. 6 years ago or even 7 i had a lot of readership, and I was almost forced to write in it everyday. mainly writing what I wanted people to believe about me - make myself sort of more than what I am. Now I am using it as an online journal..... writing the stuff thats in my head so I can sleep or get through the day - I made a rule years ago after a few too many incidents - that I was only able to have my freak-outs at home - now I have a new rule since technology has advanced I can no longer text ppl what I am really thinking at anytime - or at least wait 10 minutes to calm down and then respond..... ( she told me that she might have to go to north carolina - but I still had a minor freak out - because that was two cancelled dates in one week) she has not lied to me,( recently) but I am always over thinking things.

not sleeping

Insomnia sucks..... especially when I know the reason behind it - a crazy flakey beautiful woman is the culprit this time - but thinking back most ofthe time thats the culprit.... I deactivated my facebook page so I could sleep - and that helped for 24 hours, but this ..... this is crazy - I may have to let this one go so I can sleep I don't even know If I actually like her - I must because I'm not sleeping - It hasn't been this bad since Francine. Its a good thing I have three weeks of alone time to fight through this - It may take that long.

Can we be friends...?

This is sort of a follow up from the post below .... so after a ten day no contact period - I hesitantly decided to text her... and she apologized and said how she had no intention of hurting me ... etc and asked can we be friends..... I said yes - and we went out to a movie last week..... There are still those red flags that happened in the past that make me a bit worried about where ever this may be headed - I used to like her - now I'm not so sure - I'm curious to see how long this friendship will last I met her youngest daughter and I know I will eventually meet her other daughter... I initially just wanted to have sex with her - but at this point that would make things super complicated.... I think I need to travel again..... I'm getting confused.

crickets.....

If you didn't want to know the answer, why did you ask?

my week thus far.....

FUCK!!!!!!!! ( red flags )

This is the only place can write - to get things out in the open and not offend anybody - I would post on facebook but I have too many people reading and this would get out.... I saw the red flags when she first started as my boss and would constantly no call no show - twice on my shifts ( red flag )- I knew that she was going through a bitter divorce and custody battle ( red flag )The second time she didn't show up the hotel's general manager called me in his office and asked me directly if she was a good boss and I threw her under the bus and said no. I thought that this was the end - but she cried and begged for her job back and she apologized to al of her employees - saying she'll do better - yes she reverted back to the same no call no show..... and ultimately got fired - I saw her on her last day she was crying and hugged me saying sorry...... I should have left it at that..... I had been texting her off and on because we had set up a bet and if she won i'd take her to lunch...... this started in like august.... She blew me off and cancelled until october - when i left and went on my 6 week vacation.... I should have left it at that - but for some strange reason I decided text her happy new year and she seemed soo happy to hear from me and we set up a breakfast date and that actually happened on the 8th of january.... she was the one who after that said we should go out to a movie - theres's this art exhibit i want to see but no one will go with me.... so i said ok - i had nothing else to do but still leery about her being flakey - so she post phoned one date to go to the exhibit but just after that my aunt passed so i shut down everything to deal with family issues - we set up another date for the exhibit and she post phoned again - so i thought at least she is giving me a heads up... so the third time's a charm right.... so two days out i texted her - asking if that tuesday was still on - giving her many chances to post phone.... and i didn't hear from her - so i went without her because the exhibit was ending in a week.... I told myself i was done..... and I was until Valentines day rolled around and i decided to text her happy v day.and that next week - this week we went out three times during the last 4 days - the last being yesterday for a movie.... she said stuff like i have the kids this weekend and if you're around we're around - I really enjoy hanging out with you etc..... So i said the same which was true.... but i think i used the wrong choice of words.. when i said we should plan a weekly breakfast date and plan for other things in the week if that was possible.... " Started seeing someone recently and have a date this weekend." my response " good luck with that. " it's really done now.