i have hand issues

not only are they abnormally large
they do things that creep ppl out

somehow i don't think this is normal

spinnning into infinity

i am currently spinning out of my fucking head right now
maybe its the headache due to minor dehydration

maybe it was the job offer in los angeles, my sister asking me when i am moving back to los angeles, figuring out after 9 years that i have another close friend in lost angels - that i wish i knew about or was made more aware of a few years ago

maybe it was the company picnic that was below average -
or maybe i have to figure out when or how long to renew my lease for this time

why does having a home phone cost so much - when i barely use it
how can i make more money but work less

why can't i even begin a relationship before i fuck it up

why were the last two so horrible i am on the verge of not dating anymore

why can't i remember anyones name

etc, etc etc

reversal of fortune

once you determine the problem - the solution is not too far behind


" the passive commitment-phobe, who sabotages the relationship before it even begins by dating inappropriate people..."

Rumi -

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.

Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”

soul - food

I read this quote a long time ago -
" Cooking has stolen my soul ."
I laughed when I read it - not knowing it could happen to me
but when you give of yourself so much - for so long -
its bound to happen -
what i need is to find it again - vacation helped -
but its not enough ....

bombardment

its back to work and i'm back to my crazy ass schedule
it seems that three people are going to be on vacation at the same time
and some how - with me getting my 2 days off a week
is supposed to cover all of the shifts....
i am not looking forward to it
and it was just a few weeks ago i got my regular schedule back
after 6 months of covering everyone else

its a really fucked up circle - that is my job

its cold here -

Permafrost on Mars...
Current mood: crazy

not unlikely to be icee - of sorts - but if you dig down deep you'll find it

so what now - have you even realized how many people have died in the past month - - in china and
myanmar alone is around 180,000

this is going somewhere -- i hope...

if we find water on mars - who's the firsy
to go and re-habitate this planet - because in 20 years
we will be stepping on each others toes trying to live in our allotted 5 square foot section of land we call our own
me - i wonder if mars is bike friendly - because my car which is a saturn won't make the trip

stay with me -
everything is relative - a job - the winner of idol - the nba playoffs being purely entertainment based and money driven - who really cares if the lakers and celtics are going to the finals because they are supposed to - determined by mr. stern

i've been away - being re-introduced to old friends - meeting new ones -
hanging with my sister - etc...

and i came back and realized - nothing's changed in tucson -
everythings the same - maybe i have - maybe not
but i am putting things in perspective now.....
i am grateful for friends
who take me at face value.. cuz i'm slightly askew
slightly skewed because the outside world - outside of the kitchen
is a strange and frightening place
and i walk on my tip toes to see where i'm going
so that is that
i guess

nomadic... as told by epoch

my brother used to call me a nomad - I guess living in three different states in one month
constitutes a nomadic life - but i rather enjoyed the freedom - or rather lack of responsibility
which we all wish for after we turn 30 or so -
its nice to be back in school and all we have to worry about is a really shitty science fair project -
which i usually either didn't do - or had to turn in late
because mom when she dropped me off at school - and saw my classmates all carrying in their shitty science fair projects and asked me - i said - or intimated that oh i didn't have to do one...
so i'm not good with deadlines.... or post times - or show times - I'm not good at showng up on time - or showing up at all - but i'm good at being stood up
or misconstrued

i'm guessing this is my epoch -
to be not good at things i should be better at
and vice versa....

vacation

finally - i'm headed or due for a vacation

no plans what-so-ever - oh wait there's the fran in laguna meeting
the T in silverlake meeting
the Laura and Matt in - somewhere meeting
the big sister meeting - maybe cousin, maybe uncle, maybe
or maybe not......
i have the choice to not to choose where i go - or what i do - for once - and for 10 days at
that....