ready.....

to leave - to go anywhere - the urge to not cook has greatly influenced my not cooking
i'm not sure to where - or if i'll ever get back in that kitchen

but i thrive there - - i thrived even though it put me on my knees

and made me ask for forgiveness



i do this every time i enter the kitchen
pray to whomever to forgive me for my bad decisions
and pray that the gods of the line - have mercy on me tonight

and pray that my feet will hold up

etc....

none of my prayers have been answered yet.

freak outs

one this house is horrible to be in alone..... esp for any extended period fo time -
and as a rule a long time ago probably around 2001 - i told my self after two in public - " events "

that i was only allowed to have my freak outs in the safety of my own home......
and i'm thinking that either tonight or tomorrow i'm really due.

the house is still settling

i am confused.... being brought up catholic
but at the age 26 finding zen buddhism

half of me wants to believe that there is a god - so that this life when it ends
will have some sort of meaning

the other half believes that there is such a thing of reincarnation

but after recent events -
i believe that this is it - there is no coming back - there is no afterlife

so as much as i fuck up in this life - and i have
there is no reward - or restitution

i just cant or dont want to think that when i die -
thats it
but .....

waking up in a panic

i am still waking up in a panic -

asking myself what am i doing why am i here
why am i not...... and so on
im hoping to shake this but i know you never get over the death of a parent

a month and such

its been a while since -

and not sure if i'm back to writing this or writing on this
for anytime or consistently

i think that i'm going to get really busy soon