you always remember your first.....

talk to me please....

i need someone to talk to

to who ever reads this.....

i wish to thank whoever read my last two or three blog posts and left me comments - you don't know how much you have helped me -

sleep

i do not really want to go to sleep tonight... because if i did i'd have to wake up and face the day.....

scream

sometimes I just want to scream..... but I can't
two years with my head down - shoulders slumped
scorned, disenfranchised ( marginalized) unfettered

sometimes i need to scream - but usually walk away
with my fingers pointed to my temple
pulling the trigger -
but again that wouldn't solve anything
because i still walk away -
in the midst of a day dream
and i wake up - in the middle of
clutching sheets -
air - wind - anything
to feel real

screaming again - but my words are snatched
stolen, borrowed -
consigned


i go to sleep most nights - not wanting to wake up
most mornings
but i do - because i have no choice -
ultimately ....
i do it for everyone elses benefit
i can't fathom how the family would tolerate
my taking my own life
which is the only power i have at the moment

still pretty close to bottom.

its been about... well its been exactly 3 years and about three months... since i was laid off from my highest paying, most stressful job in my so called culinary career.

the next job after this was about a 40% drop in pay
then my father passed and I took
about a year and a half off - as a hiatus to get my life into perspective
i still need more time to set things right

also during this time 11 deaths have occurred, friends, family members and pets.

i cant win for losing... i am currently employed
able to save money
but something is missing.... all i do is work and come home and deal with
the issues after my father's death.... which is a lot

im not sure how much longer i can handle all of this.