300th post

thought i'd be a bit more excited about 300 blog posts over a year plus of writing -
my birthday is in 4 days - more like three when you read this and i'm so so about it - ye sim a year older, glad to have survived, blah etc and all that good shit - but not sure if i want to acknowledge it or let it go i told my brother today that i am done with arizona - that i have squeezed all of the water i can out of this rock. and i feel the same way about my impending celebration of my life - granted if asked and i had a choice to pick the circumstances surrounding my birth i keep it all the same minus the daily battle i have with my mind - i torment myself just to make sure i am still alive - once the chattering stops. who or where will i be then?
i know, i know.......
so i am here now - it's friday now - thursday when i started writing this
the tv is on but its just noise
i listen to music and have the tv on to try and cancel each other out
but it all ends up in noise
a woman i desperately loved once just gave birth to someone else's child
a woman i loved once is far more happy now than she waa when dealing with me and she's engaged now
and the only woman i have ever thought about bearing my children is moving back to australia - soon.....

and you know what it's all noise now a bunch of run on sentences....mainly consisting of verbs and adverbs - static, noise

i decided finally to announce my future plans and everyone seems excited that i'm moving back to my home in md

but i failed - i lasted 12 years on my own and i have nothing to show for it
maybe 100 extra lbs and less hair but nothing i can brag about
i lost the hghest paying job i have ever had - and now i am making half and turning in my loose change to coinstar

( fin )

i like to wear shoes that are two sizes too big
because i still don't know what i want to be
when i grow up.

extra, extra

she opened her mouth to speak, i swore i could see a sign that read
" next tooth, 2 miles." i got to stop speed dating......srsly

circle gets the square

ok - where are you?

is it possible that we are both looking for each other at the same time?

july - still painting....

new drink......

ok i want to make sure everyone knows this is my drink that i came up with
not sure if blogging about it constitutes a copyright but......

new drink called cuba sangre

rum, coke zero , freshly squeezed lime juice and a splash or cranberry juice

ok you tell ME what it is ...

little red flags.....
i see them in the distance, i ignored them today
but in a hour and a half i might just say fuck it.....

i was lied to - but i guess its ok, since i was the one who was lying

but this goes back to my genes - about the tendency of the men in my family to stray...
but if what i believe is true - it really wasn't or I really wasn't the other man - but it was all lies and i ended up being the other man - i did not tie up too many emotions in this - but still...... deception is just that

also i am reallly glad to not be working at the ranch
freedom from being the resident bitch is nice

my thoughts are running randomly right not - good idea to just stay home
and try to herd them in and back to the barn

also still trying to find my lost 20 dollar bill

time off.....

i keep tellling myself - that i'm gonna take time off for myself -
i.e. not dating or hanging out with the opposite - sex - but i fail at every attempt
i love women and their company too much...

and yes sarah - me not writing in this was bologna..... fried up and put in a sandwich - but in your case soy bologna

two weeks later

i still am - not sure about writing in this blog
with the death of a close friend -
and everything going on in the world
my thoughts have been elsewhere

and usually they cycle back to zero and i move on
not able to move on just yet

nothing more to say......

I think that this is the end of this blog......
i have nothing more to say, but feel free to browse the archives

RIP

rest peacefully


i saw you - or thought i saw you last week
i see you everywhere now - being chased by horses
asking me for your eggs scrambled soft
on the southwestern eggs benedict

i see you everywhere now
early in the morning at the lodge
barely speaking to each other
because we are both waiting for the coffee to finish brewing

even earlier - at the spa
making turkey wraps and smoothies

i see you more often than you thought
the painting that sat over your sofa - that i did
more for you than the house

i want to thank you for introducing me to two
really good friends now Marina and Vince

i saw you - a year and a half ago -
and we had an argument
a stupid argument - and that was my out
to break off our friendship
wish i hadn't but we are both too stubborn
to apologize.....

i see you everywhere now
at work - at home - drinking shitty german wines....
vortices, Van Damme Weddings - etc.....

i miss you
we all miss you.

R.I.P. Tiffany Elizabeth Allen 5/30/09