true true

“Dude it’s not bullshit. I’m telling you. It’s happening to me right now. I think this girl is really hot and funny and smart and she’s cool to hang out with and it’s all good but there’s no way I could make it anything more because of a lot of issues” “What kind of issues?” “Well like because she’s so great there’s a big chance I’ll fuck it up. And it would suck too much to fuck it up with this girl. So I can’t go there.”

6 weeks

the last 6+ weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me at least - who knew a random meeting and two dates in another country would affect me this much - from talking two to three times a day to now that's she's busy to two to three times a week is really killing me - It shouldn't but it is, this is much different than those who i have brushed off before - or chose to brush me off. I don't know what it is...... Maybe I like her much more than she does me, Do I like her or the idea of her. This is what happens when you are isolated for years everything is over the top - I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't see her again - and that almost takes me to a crying in the bed in a fetal position for hours, or locked in the closet. Some days are much better - I think it's because I am not busy so my everything is talking to her - and waiting by the phone - I'm getting better, trying to stay busy. The paris adventure should be taking all of my efforts but it's not really now....I don't know what to do right now.....

who's doing what now?

if you make a decision - and stand by it, you can't be upset with any of the results - I told her that she seemed busy and i don't want to bother her, so text me when you are available to chat.... I know with that being sent and seen what ever happens next i really can't be upset with and it's not under my control. and I can't double back and hound her to talk to me and almost come to tears when she doesn't - this is crazy

phone call

My sister called me at the right time today. the emu's came back for a visit asking me to join them and asking why i never killed myself in morro bay.. I had no answer - but the real answer was there were no rooms available. that was about 12 years ago, i haven't been this down in a looong time. I have to write this out - to keep myself from... if anyone reads this like soon.... and tell me it's not worth you have a lot to live for. i'm spent last night deleting very close friends off of facebook - to see if I'm missed. I have issues of not being seen, this is going all over the place.My head is going crazy I wonder what in the hell i did in my previous life to deserve this world of misery The problem is most of this is my head fucking with me, I could wake up tomorrow and be fine

one year later....

Still the same shit. I am having a really bad day... Two things have prompted this downward spiral, both one is self inflicted - I met someone while in mexico city for vacation, truly random - but worthwhile, but me being me - and my rules of dating - today is the 6 week mark - the time where I usually self sabatoge and walk away this felt different - it is different, I really like her-and I'm scared - rather get the heartbreak over now before it kills me somewhere down the line - ( not even thinking about her feelings - because she likes me tolerates me ) the funny thing is she did nothing wrong, at all. It's me, It's always been me since i started dating, something stupid would happen and I'd run away... I'm trying to change this and she is worth the change even if it doesn't work out, it'll be a mutual decision not some stupid shit on my part. part two is the internship ( possible) in paris may not happen - which would also kill me , but slowly... I am very good at telling people to not worry about the things you can't control, but I worry about that shit constantly.... enough to lose sleep at night... I should be really happy now , but I'm miserable