true true

“Dude it’s not bullshit. I’m telling you. It’s happening to me right now. I think this girl is really hot and funny and smart and she’s cool to hang out with and it’s all good but there’s no way I could make it anything more because of a lot of issues” “What kind of issues?” “Well like because she’s so great there’s a big chance I’ll fuck it up. And it would suck too much to fuck it up with this girl. So I can’t go there.”

6 weeks

the last 6+ weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me at least - who knew a random meeting and two dates in another country would affect me this much - from talking two to three times a day to now that's she's busy to two to three times a week is really killing me - It shouldn't but it is, this is much different than those who i have brushed off before - or chose to brush me off. I don't know what it is...... Maybe I like her much more than she does me, Do I like her or the idea of her. This is what happens when you are isolated for years everything is over the top - I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't see her again - and that almost takes me to a crying in the bed in a fetal position for hours, or locked in the closet. Some days are much better - I think it's because I am not busy so my everything is talking to her - and waiting by the phone - I'm getting better, trying to stay busy. The paris adventure should be taking all of my efforts but it's not really now....I don't know what to do right now.....

who's doing what now?

if you make a decision - and stand by it, you can't be upset with any of the results - I told her that she seemed busy and i don't want to bother her, so text me when you are available to chat.... I know with that being sent and seen what ever happens next i really can't be upset with and it's not under my control. and I can't double back and hound her to talk to me and almost come to tears when she doesn't - this is crazy

phone call

My sister called me at the right time today. the emu's came back for a visit asking me to join them and asking why i never killed myself in morro bay.. I had no answer - but the real answer was there were no rooms available. that was about 12 years ago, i haven't been this down in a looong time. I have to write this out - to keep myself from... if anyone reads this like soon.... and tell me it's not worth you have a lot to live for. i'm spent last night deleting very close friends off of facebook - to see if I'm missed. I have issues of not being seen, this is going all over the place.My head is going crazy I wonder what in the hell i did in my previous life to deserve this world of misery The problem is most of this is my head fucking with me, I could wake up tomorrow and be fine

one year later....

Still the same shit. I am having a really bad day... Two things have prompted this downward spiral, both one is self inflicted - I met someone while in mexico city for vacation, truly random - but worthwhile, but me being me - and my rules of dating - today is the 6 week mark - the time where I usually self sabatoge and walk away this felt different - it is different, I really like her-and I'm scared - rather get the heartbreak over now before it kills me somewhere down the line - ( not even thinking about her feelings - because she likes me tolerates me ) the funny thing is she did nothing wrong, at all. It's me, It's always been me since i started dating, something stupid would happen and I'd run away... I'm trying to change this and she is worth the change even if it doesn't work out, it'll be a mutual decision not some stupid shit on my part. part two is the internship ( possible) in paris may not happen - which would also kill me , but slowly... I am very good at telling people to not worry about the things you can't control, but I worry about that shit constantly.... enough to lose sleep at night... I should be really happy now , but I'm miserable

thanks.....

having a random conversation with a friend ( new ) who has replaced my best friend who died killed herself - she talked me down from doing something stupid tonight - i can't tell her anything otherwise.... not sure how I'd feel if I knew someone was suicidal and i helped them - to not do it - wondering if i would help them to do it....

what time is it???

It's been a while.... I've been back and forth with my life - another friend died - another woman decided to only go out with me once... I'm looking for a job - here in this area but it seems that I will have to move, probably after the holidays because I know that once I start cooking again I will devote my whole life back to food - and It hasn't been my best decision ... I have been posting here as well

finally over...

best e-mail ive written in a long time.... Glad we spoke today…… I did have feelings for you - but those have lessened as time has passed - why I haven't been in contact with you for the past few weeks - need to step away for a bit I understand your situation completely - but I have to admit after three years of totally dedicating my life to my mom and family after my dad passed - fortunately or unfortunately the first time I decided to do things for me - and actually let myself even begin to like someone - you were there. and I think I just had three years of pent up " stuff " and needed to get it off my chest - It was necessary in the healing process to let my guards down for a bit and I thank you for letting me do that - or putting up with it or tolerating it - I'm glad we hung out - etc…. I tend to express myself better in writing than speaking…. again glad to get everything out in the open… and we both can move forward.

fuck you....

i knew it..... even if you pencil me in on your calendar - and i know that you are going to cancel.... i gave you the option the day before to be considerate to at least cancel - and not wait until the day of and tell me or not tell me at all.... smh

i was wrong about everything....

i have to start waiting a few minutes before I write stuff....

thanks....

I guess you're not getting your book back.... Childish? Maybe. But if you won't return texts, and or calls - well, let's just say that if you want this biography of rothko back you're gonna have to pick up the phone. I'm not even going to read it.