quote of the day......

“I’m the only player,” he said, “who looks at each and every center and says to myself, That’s barbecued chicken down there."

who would help with the body..???

just a quick question to ask yourself -
if you had to hide a body - which of your friends would help out
with no questions asked...??

my answer to this question was suprisingly easy.

what to do in tucson - when it is 80 degrees in feb.?

go on a hike
this is from the area surrounding the douglas spring trailhead

not as stable as i seem

i am un stable - not right this minute but in general -
my mind i think is way too advanced for this feeble body i was given and sometimes i
tend to over stimulate just for stimulation purposes

i am an insomniac - since i started my job at the Beverly hills hotel - in 1999
i worked the graveyard shift and that turned me internal clock upside down
and it has not been the same since - well i give credit to my layoff - that i actually had 8 weeks to catch up on 9 years or erratic sleeping - and i think i got back half of those years - so i am here now - sleeping better but every six weeks or so i am dumped again into this black hole of non sleeping - usually the full moon triggers it - or some fucked up situation with one of my various stranger than normal relationships with the opposite sex - like with one word or phrase like " we are expecting a baby in august - you're going to be an uncle " and my whole week of good sleep is gone

so when i am not sleeping is usually the time i choose to isolate myself from the outside world = save work - i usually am holed up in my apt. now i use the fact that i am making less money as an excuse which is true - but not - well i am saving for my trip.....

and i am funny in the outside world and quite the crowd pleaser - but at home i am quiet.... i tend to push people away - i a min the process of doing that now - i guess being asked to move to the phillipines was the last red flag i needed ....

so this is me - or the me i am sharing through this blog - the few ppl who know the real me - have no issues dealing with my quirks - but the one who was the best at it i threw away our friendship over a year ago over some dumb shit - and its far from being able to be saved - so i know that very few of the ppl i come in contact with lately will kmake the trip with me to my next phase....

oh and if you ever hear me talking about going back to Morro Bay, California
please, please talk me out of it....

times are a changing.....

yes - they are a changing

i think every single person makes a list like this
its standard practice - your top 3 or top 5 - those who got away - or those who you should have married etc.... i have one - and no i am not going to name names
that would not be in anyone's best interest at this point

but i have recently realized i have had this same list for the past 5 years
and it is still a list - nothing has changed - well
two of the top three are unattainable - but they have always been
i just decided to think outside the box....

and the other - i had to fight for time with - and i lost that fight
so what does this mean.... i probably wont get married
and kids are out of the question at this point in time

so what does that mean - back to square one i guess -
i was supposed to take the year off and spend it doing me things
but that only lasted a few months - so i am really looking forward
to my trip - to disappear for a while - let things in y life cycle back
to the beginning and start over..

who knows maybe this time it will work out for the best.

... my words......

transcending the heaviness of being human

i often fly in my dreams
out of necessity
free fall turns into flight
very close to the ground

if i count backwards ( from ten)
i'd make it to three
before my toes scrape earth
and i bound up into sky again

i try to pray but the wants and needs
are answered after the blessings of
the first breath in the morning
after any possibilities of
sustained flight

so i watch birds, butterflies
lightning bugs
and confide with
the occasional emu, ostrich,
and frustrated quail

they too dream of flight
they know of disdain and contempt
of windy days, kites
and airplanes

all i want is flight
if even for a minute
arms outstretched
fingers grasping air

all i want to do is fly......
if even for a minute


5/22/04
7: 23 - 7:30 pm

gifted borderline genius

i took an i q test - the only one i really
worked out for - but it doesn't really count
because it was online - my score - just a number
but it fell within the gifted borderline genius range.....

that was the only other time i was labeled a genius -
the other time dealt with my cooking skills -

so there thaT IS.....

i also think that that word is thrown around a lot
mainly by people who either can not grasp - what certain talents
others possess - or they can not find any other word to describe any given
situation -
sadly many genius goes unnoticed - until
after death -

or some genius is hidden behind the fearful and the ignorant

after reading this - you must think that i am fully
indulged in myself with that term called genius - that i go around
flaunting my mensa card -

not exactly - i just know what i am capable of
and there is still more to come....

you must have hit her with the golden skillet

i like the phrases my friends come up with
during random conversations
slang is great

" you must have hit her with the golden skillet "
" god damn who she play for..?"
" you are facebook friends with ______ aww that's Forced "
" dude is a lunch box "
" the adult seven needs to be introduced to the adult brad that dunked on kevin cromer
while playing pick up basket ball."
" slicing motherfucking throats "
" I'm gonna ram jam you so hard you're gonna blow your O ring "

136..

137 days left..........

the time is going pretty fast now - i am slowly coming to terms with it
i am putting everything in two catergories

what i will keep and what i will throw away

this is including some friendships.....
i realize i can't take everything with me - i don't want to

i need to walk the earth - for a while
to find out what phase two will be.

drums please

a random e-mail

e mail

i miss you
i miss our morning chats while
i was setting up
i miss hanging out, the movies,
cooking for you
but i gotta do
what i gotta do right?

i had a dream the other night
that i went to culinary college
and you and i opened a place
together.......

i remember
you and i
pouring over our wine list
together
thats all though.

write me back and catch me up ok .
love
tiffany

old school video of the day.

circle gets the square

i play grown up board games
like really old school board games
like in the park for all day
feeding pigeons popcorn games
like the starbucks that magic johnson owns
which is next to the friday's up the street
from where i used to live in los angeles games

i play backgammon, and try to play chess
and that's it - i like dice and boards with monochrome
squares on them - i like to feel the wind
outside - or on the beach in laguna
playing backgammon with a friend who has really weird thumbs
and has survived malaria

i like to think that i was born before.... maybe in harlem
maybe spain - maybe morocco
this would only make sense because all of these " gifts "
that i have came on without any notice

and consume me until i have trouble sleeping
sometimes i am so consumed - the only answer for me is to remain still
calm - almost shut down

all consuming love....

another to ponder

its grey - or gray out
i wake up to go to the door
and i can't see five feet in front of me
i know where my hands should be when the are
in front of my face - but i can't see them

i know how to perform when i know what's in store
but since i don't understand it - i can't see it

if i put one foot down - the other follows
by instinct only - we have no plans
other than weathering the storm

i tell them - that the fog will lift eventually
and we will be where we are supposed to be

just like now and the fog

and the insignificance it brings

there are lights everywhere - guiding, distracting, and enlightening
i drive past them all right now because they all look the same to me
i dont know the difference yet -

Paul Newman Recipe's.....???

I used to work here, in Agoura Hills, California - briefly
the job actually saved my life - but that's another story.

So rumor has it - that Paul Newman developed recipes for three vinaigrettes
for the restaurant, which could possibly be true - given the clientele of the restaurant
which was just a canyon's drive away from malibu.

so with all the restaurants I've worked in i either jot down the recipes or try to keep them memorized.....

anyway here are the three vinaigrette recipes.

Red Wine Vinaigrette
1 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup basil, chopped
1/4 cup parsley, chopped
2 cups Extra Virgin Olive Oil
a pinch of sugar
1/6 cup Dijon mustard
1 cup Red Wine Vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
1 T chili flakes

mix everything together.


Balsamic Vinaigrette
4 cups Balsamic
1 cup cold water
2 cups Dijon mustard
3 shallots. roughly chopped
8 cups extra virgin olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

i used a Burr mixer to make this, mixing all ingredients and slowly adding olive oil until emulsified

Citrus Vinaigrette
9 yolks
9 cups Extra virgin olive oil
3 cups lemon juice
3 cups orange juice
zest of one orange
zest of one lemon
5 T Dijon mustard
salt and pepper to taste
3 shallots, roughly chopped

again I used a Burr mixer to make this.
** very important - mix the shallots, dijon, egg yolks and olive oil first into a thick mayonaisse - if you dont the vinaigrette will break
add the remaining ingredients.

I checked the menu and I believe the restaurant still uses these recipes, i worked there in 1999.

bullshit......

so ok the whole " friends with benefits " is never just that -
there are always strings - somewhere - waiting to disrupt
a possible perfect situation

so - i pretty much ended it tonight -
or it has ended = or something

when the sun wakes me up tomorrow
or if it doesn't
i will be a little wiser

fail....

tax time....

i guess getting laid off - down sized has its pros - i didnt work for the rest of the year - so i missed a month of pay. - with my 401k and missing pay, i am actually getting money back from my tax return - not much but it helps....

so i got a job - the only real job i could have gotten in this economy

but here are the numbers - I took a pay cut a pretty substantial pay cut
( around 37.5% ) and about a 12 hour decrease in hours worked -
after a few weeks - end of feb - of getting comfortable at this job i will try to
get another job - just to pretty much break even between money coming in and bills


but i am only doing this to see the end result
my freedom - from everything - bad relationships - getting pulled in various directions
lies and falsies - robin hood vs darth vader - you know the usual dumb shit...

dont get me wrong - i got a job - which a lot of people who were laid off didn't get
i was also able to see the family during the holidays - three weeks at home

so i feel lucky, blessed - whatever

old school video of the day.