Almost......

So here we are - the age of only being able to date while I am unemployed. Or rather only meeting quality women when I am unemployed. Here she is. So she is busy.... I am not. When I start working again we will be both busy. Not even second date yet but preparing for the worst. We first met over a year ago but nothing came of it. When I say met we met online but no in person meeting. blah blah blah..... to now - one successful date awaiting second date. Trying not to get bored.

Paris

I'm currently in paris here to be exact - one week down, two to go. This trip I'm letting any and all signs to plan my days.... sounds funny but i usually believe that everything happens for a reason..... but never actively look out for the signs. This trip i am - and it looks like I will be hanging out with two 40+ prone to being drunk american and swedish women. I'd hit both.... but disaster would ensue - but when doesn't it? If you are wondering I'm the car, I'm always the car.

这几天找到一种新的方法，让自己镇定下来，把自己摔倒也是对抑郁的一种抗衡，每当我碰触到地面就彻底躺平，行人啊，车辆啊，都可以从我身体上踩踏过去、碾轧过去。而且这种时候意识会变得无比清醒，智慧和记忆力好像也增强了，所有关注过的事件都历历在目，甚至背诵得出当事人说过的话，1997年白宝山在监狱中说：我出去就要杀人。如果判我20年，我出去杀成年人。如果判我无期徒刑，我减刑出去，杀不动成年人了，我就到幼儿园去杀孩子。 我总是能听到开枪的声音，开始的时候我有点害怕，时间久了，也就习惯了，那声音也像有人在用槌子往我脑袋里钉钉子，好像有一个建筑工地，有人要盖摩天大楼，盖了这么多年也没盖好，好多无家可归的人在我的脑袋里面哭啊闹啊，我要被吵死了，他们不让我睡觉，也不让我出门。不睡觉也好，不出门也好，反正每天出门前，穿上精心挑选好的衣服，照着镜子怎么看都觉得像要去参加自己的葬礼，消极得那么隆重。每一个目的地都像是为了追悼自己而要赶赴的灵堂。 我也害怕出门听到那些关心和疑问，“你看起来那么开心，怎么可能抑郁呢？”，“你有什么可以抑郁的，我还抑郁呢”，“你总是那么矫情”，“他又在装腔作势”……这些声音比我脑袋里的声音更容易使我紧张。在所有牵扯到两个或者两个人以上的人际关系中，要么我就会不停地说话，要么我就会一直沉默。所有的假装轻松都让我筋疲力尽。 这么多年，我一直在给自己治病。一人分饰医生和病人两角，有时候医生给病人治病，有时候病人也给医生治病。彻底把生活过成了一所医院，每天只是流连在各个不同的病房里，外面的人进不来，自己也走不出去。

unshakable

still quite confused...... the paris internship has quickly fallen apart. I am still trying to find a suitable replacement - so now do I give back all the money donated - only $400 but still. I went out on a date with someone that couldn't compare to her in mexico city. but I don't think any date or female will and that kind of sucks. We are still friends/friendly, but I am curious what will happen when I am working again and also busy. If she lived here our schedules wouldn't coincide..... see I am always over thinking shit. Did I tell you I unfriended a few of my exes on facebook - and when I say exes I mean women I've dated but not necessarily been in a relationship with, well maybe one but not really. So I'm still in a fog as of now - I'm getting interesting job offers here but I really don't want to live here.

true true

“Dude it’s not bullshit. I’m telling you. It’s happening to me right now. I think this girl is really hot and funny and smart and she’s cool to hang out with and it’s all good but there’s no way I could make it anything more because of a lot of issues” “What kind of issues?” “Well like because she’s so great there’s a big chance I’ll fuck it up. And it would suck too much to fuck it up with this girl. So I can’t go there.”

6 weeks

the last 6+ weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me at least - who knew a random meeting and two dates in another country would affect me this much - from talking two to three times a day to now that's she's busy to two to three times a week is really killing me - It shouldn't but it is, this is much different than those who i have brushed off before - or chose to brush me off. I don't know what it is...... Maybe I like her much more than she does me, Do I like her or the idea of her. This is what happens when you are isolated for years everything is over the top - I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't see her again - and that almost takes me to a crying in the bed in a fetal position for hours, or locked in the closet. Some days are much better - I think it's because I am not busy so my everything is talking to her - and waiting by the phone - I'm getting better, trying to stay busy. The paris adventure should be taking all of my efforts but it's not really now....I don't know what to do right now.....

who's doing what now?

if you make a decision - and stand by it, you can't be upset with any of the results - I told her that she seemed busy and i don't want to bother her, so text me when you are available to chat.... I know with that being sent and seen what ever happens next i really can't be upset with and it's not under my control. and I can't double back and hound her to talk to me and almost come to tears when she doesn't - this is crazy

phone call

My sister called me at the right time today. the emu's came back for a visit asking me to join them and asking why i never killed myself in morro bay.. I had no answer - but the real answer was there were no rooms available. that was about 12 years ago, i haven't been this down in a looong time. I have to write this out - to keep myself from... if anyone reads this like soon.... and tell me it's not worth you have a lot to live for. i'm spent last night deleting very close friends off of facebook - to see if I'm missed. I have issues of not being seen, this is going all over the place.My head is going crazy I wonder what in the hell i did in my previous life to deserve this world of misery The problem is most of this is my head fucking with me, I could wake up tomorrow and be fine

one year later....

Still the same shit. I am having a really bad day... Two things have prompted this downward spiral, both one is self inflicted - I met someone while in mexico city for vacation, truly random - but worthwhile, but me being me - and my rules of dating - today is the 6 week mark - the time where I usually self sabatoge and walk away this felt different - it is different, I really like her-and I'm scared - rather get the heartbreak over now before it kills me somewhere down the line - ( not even thinking about her feelings - because she likes me tolerates me ) the funny thing is she did nothing wrong, at all. It's me, It's always been me since i started dating, something stupid would happen and I'd run away... I'm trying to change this and she is worth the change even if it doesn't work out, it'll be a mutual decision not some stupid shit on my part. part two is the internship ( possible) in paris may not happen - which would also kill me , but slowly... I am very good at telling people to not worry about the things you can't control, but I worry about that shit constantly.... enough to lose sleep at night... I should be really happy now , but I'm miserable

thanks.....

having a random conversation with a friend ( new ) who has replaced my best friend who died killed herself - she talked me down from doing something stupid tonight - i can't tell her anything otherwise.... not sure how I'd feel if I knew someone was suicidal and i helped them - to not do it - wondering if i would help them to do it....