Gossamer - the monster

The word "Gossamer" is derived from the Middle English gossomer, from gos meaning goose & somer meaning summer. Which translates to something light, delicate, or insubstantial. As the character is gentile and somber but also ironically destructive

in the house......

" it's like ever since you started, you've been screwed. I don't like it." anonymous
statement by an anonymous source - not so anonymously - today ......

i live in an apartment by myself - and I own like 11 chairs - so i can sit where-ever i want - whenever i want

when you work all day standing and mostly on your feet
sitting is a luxury.... sleeping in is a luxury
having a set schedule etc etc

i have a lot of female friends - not bragging - just facts
i think on tuesday - or monday i had interactions with 6 different female friends
i guess i give good advice - or seem safe
am huggable - not sure
my sister once said i was trained well - when dealing with the opposite sex
having a big sister does help
but i'd like to thnk
i had something to do with this

Blood

blood

..death is inside the bones, like a barking where there are no dogs.. Pablo Neruda

I have been bleeding from areas
where i should not be
evidence waking me up
from fits of sleeping
and not

i see blood and vomit on my hands, in the toilet
running with warm water down the sink
its calming
red blood
( mine)
escaping my body
running towards the ocean

i had thoughts of this
frequently
it wakes me up at night
i check the pillow
my sheets
this time its only a dream

isolation is not humanism

i am not going to get on any sort of soapbox - and dictate what we should and should not do as humans... or
where we should live, or how green is green -
i am just tired...... i guess
of making inadequate decisions
or decisions that have not been properly researched -
living day to day is good, but in the end
my self inflicted isolation - is wearing me down
granted i do go out on occasion
but i am isolated even then - maybe if only by culture, or basic interests, or even intelligence

i miss my family, i miss my friends from college - the ones who knew me before i became
a chef -
i miss knowing that when people tell me what they think as truth - that i can take that face value
i am tired - my bones hurt
my soul is tired of hiding behind its' shadow
which is my conscience

i am tired of running
so i fight the urges to flee
which keeps me up at night
but also lets me sleep - like i have not slept in years

so i fight
and i lose most of the time
but sometimes i come in second place...
and that trophy is only slightly smaller

my birthday is coming up
and there is a supposed party planned
but knowing my i may not even show up
for my own party...

My Resume -

just in case you want to know where I have worked the past 14 years....

Susan Gage Caterers

The Bailiwick Inn

Enchantment Resort

Chinois - Las Vegas

Padri's


The Beverly Hills Hotel

Mii Amo

The Lodge at Sedona

Canyon Ranch

food - obligitory

i guess about once a week I will give out some sort
of food idea, or helpful hint - or something
but part of me doesn't want to turn this into a " food blog "
for one there are so many food blogs that are full of shit
and i have been cooking pretty much non stop since 7/06/94
that i am due for a break.....

ok it is sort of known that I make really good focaccia
like Ali who is studying at the Culinary Institute of America
to become a chef still bugs me about my bread - i told her that in your school
there must be some good bread - she said no

The recipe alone is very simple
now a days I don't even use a recipe

but here it is....
( I'm not really worried about giving it out )

back story I first started making this bread when I was back in DC working at
Susan Gage Caterers - rated at the time one of the top three caterers in the area -
so i'm pretty positive that Al Gore has eaten this bread....


focaccia

4 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 Tablespoon Sea Salt
1 1/2 Tablespoon yeast
2 1/4 cups Warm Water

( looking at now I usually put in more salt )

no - this is not good for a bread machine
yes those are all the ingredients

and the major key of this recipe is no kneading
as soon as all of the ingredients are combined
let it rise for an hour, put the dough on a heavily oiled pan ( oilve oil )
and let it rise again for 20 minutes
put more olive oil on top of the dough before you bake it
and bake at 375 for 20 minutes

good luck

shoulders are for carrying burdens

green light go

i go the green light today for my new project
so i can plan for - and consider all the options of
and not worry about the time limit of finishing - if i ever finish...

go me

I'm Beautiful

i
well
let's see

sometimes even the concept of learning
a new language can
be stressful - and while learning this new language - forcing yourself to speak it
as often as possible

then comes the " lost in translation "

we were speaking and she said " I'm beautiful. "
I don't think she meant to use that word
but it put a smile on my face
the only time today

albert was kind of smart

A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

Albert Einstein

writing

hrough dog's eyes
( symbiosis)


we were born on the same day
a gift from my mother
we were supposed to be twins
twin souls - but i absorbed you
and you now live through me

i walked this earth for your benefit
telling you tales - of my heartaches
the 18 years - all of the miles traveled
the 18 years - only one owner

i am near the end now
and i have no new stories
i sleep as much as i don't know ( now)
my limbs are akimbo
on the cold cold linoleum floor

my pace has slowed
after only two thirds of the final stage

i'll survive if you survive
but
i'm dying because you're dying
i can't go on if you are no longer with me
my heart can't take it

i lay my head down - close my eyes
you leave my body as i await
any semblence
of life before you
or without you
whichever makes more sense
whichever happens first



written after watching a show on animal planet about a dog going into
anaphylactic shock as her heartworms were dying

Art Influences

I figured out my influences with my art so far

Jackson Pollack - but mainly for his texture in his paintings - i prefer to be able to feel
my art work

and Rothko - his use of color is amazing
my favorite colors at the moment are in the blue family....

Newest Art - sort of

i actually painted over my last attempt
but its sort of visible underneath.....

this should take a lot of time to dry

now what

The woman who used to stalk me is now engaged
I think i'll miss the attention....

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Coleslaw, chocolate sorbet, and real bacon

things on my fourth of july wish list this year -
i got the bacon, which is getting very expensive -
maybe I should take stock in a pig farm or grow one on
my balcony - he can eat the paddle cactus out there - and watch the world slowly
go by.... sounds kind of nice

i had coleslaw recently and I also made it recently - not the creamy mayo based kind -
or even the chopped to hell kind you get at KFC - which is good but the way its cut lends itself to a lot of water loss - I have a sort of love affair with asian influenced foods - anyone who knows me will tell you the same - i tend to like my vegetables pickled, my ginger juiced
( thanks to Gary Gu) - same flavor no chopping
( ginger juice - on a box grater grate the ginger skin
and all and squeeze it through a seive or cheese cloth)
and my soy sauce Tamari

so i use napa, cilantro some carrot, some jicama and rice wine vinegar, a little sugar
and a touch of sesame oil....

so this new thing for me is chocolate sorbet which Nicci makes two times a week
and now I'm on a mission to make it better than she does - Bitter sweet chocolate,
really good cocoa powder, brown sugar maybe, vanilla - but the key ingredient would be
wait for it.....
a Zinfandel reduction of some sort to make the simple syrup out of.... but
that is my secret... ( you can figure out the ratios by yourself)

random thoughts....

Punk

so it turns out that I look like this dude from I love New York ( the tv show )
i don't see it but who knows.......

Turmoil, Inner

A lot of my friends - and those surrounding them are going through their own personal issues/ inner turmoil - and they are reaching out to me for advice and what not - i know i mentioned it earlier - but everyday it seems it is happening  more and more - I feel qualified to hash/ sling out advice because of all of the shit i've been through

but not qualified enough to heed my own advice but really who does??

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