isolation is not humanism

i am not going to get on any sort of soapbox - and dictate what we should and should not do as humans... or
where we should live, or how green is green -
i am just tired...... i guess
of making inadequate decisions
or decisions that have not been properly researched -
living day to day is good, but in the end
my self inflicted isolation - is wearing me down
granted i do go out on occasion
but i am isolated even then - maybe if only by culture, or basic interests, or even intelligence

i miss my family, i miss my friends from college - the ones who knew me before i became
a chef -
i miss knowing that when people tell me what they think as truth - that i can take that face value
i am tired - my bones hurt
my soul is tired of hiding behind its' shadow
which is my conscience

i am tired of running
so i fight the urges to flee
which keeps me up at night
but also lets me sleep - like i have not slept in years

so i fight
and i lose most of the time
but sometimes i come in second place...
and that trophy is only slightly smaller

my birthday is coming up
and there is a supposed party planned
but knowing my i may not even show up
for my own party...