Insomnia, scare tactics, and feet fetishes

You would think that after 35 years of going to sleep and waking up, that by now i would
actually remember that the place i went to sleep in and the place i wake up are the same.
...you would think.

but the majority of the time i forget - which i think is a defense mechanism of some sorts - but probably not.

ok ill admit it - i'm scared
really scared - and confused - and reluctant to admit failure
etc - just like everyone else - but i am coming to terms with everything
quickly - the past two years or two years and 3 months have been challenging to say the least - with the " you're not supposed to date ppl you work with rule " which i broke
two years ago today. and its been all downhill since - more like a long fall into an abyss - if i hit bottom at least i know there is an up and out - but this is just falling - i at times reach out to grab onto anything but all i get is air -

i am tired, scared - confused and reluctant to admit that most of my " relationship" issues are my fault - i just figured out tonight that this is the first time in my life that i am in control of my love life - in control because i know that people like me and i get to pick and choose instead of the last 20 years of hit and miss dating -
its boiled down to two things
one - i am really making up for lost time
and two - i am making up for lost time by being a player - because it was i who always got played - they both work for me

i enjoy it all

i work too much - or let me rephrase i work too much at my current place of employment
dont get me wrong im used to working a lot - but this is different
im not used to being pulled in so many directions
there are times at work i cant leave - or i want to leave but i keep getting asked questions or something else -

i dont really have a foot fetish - but its the words that bring you in.

some days i feel like running away - to somewhere very quiet - and cool and un-civilized - but i cant or i just cant

some days - i sit and wait for the alarm to ring so i can hit the snooze button

tonite i am wondering with all the ppl in the f&b department at work being let go
will i be next - i think i survived the first round of cuts but come new year - i may be s.o.l. - but ill get to sleep....