how i lost weight

stopped drinking soda - including my consumption of diet soda

stopped eating fast food

stopped eating sugar - or well i think its about 85 percent less than usual

started eating three times a day

started eating healthy three times a day

doubled my consumption of fruits and veggies

and walk.... anywhere from 3 - 5 miles 2-3 times a week

end result... lost 30+ pounds since march.

Sedona

I still believe that the majority of people who move to sedona can not make it any where else and they end up staying there - for fear of facing reality.

ready.....

to leave - to go anywhere - the urge to not cook has greatly influenced my not cooking
i'm not sure to where - or if i'll ever get back in that kitchen

but i thrive there - - i thrived even though it put me on my knees

and made me ask for forgiveness



i do this every time i enter the kitchen
pray to whomever to forgive me for my bad decisions
and pray that the gods of the line - have mercy on me tonight

and pray that my feet will hold up

etc....

none of my prayers have been answered yet.

freak outs

one this house is horrible to be in alone..... esp for any extended period fo time -
and as a rule a long time ago probably around 2001 - i told my self after two in public - " events "

that i was only allowed to have my freak outs in the safety of my own home......
and i'm thinking that either tonight or tomorrow i'm really due.

the house is still settling

i am confused.... being brought up catholic
but at the age 26 finding zen buddhism

half of me wants to believe that there is a god - so that this life when it ends
will have some sort of meaning

the other half believes that there is such a thing of reincarnation

but after recent events -
i believe that this is it - there is no coming back - there is no afterlife

so as much as i fuck up in this life - and i have
there is no reward - or restitution

i just cant or dont want to think that when i die -
thats it
but .....

waking up in a panic

i am still waking up in a panic -

asking myself what am i doing why am i here
why am i not...... and so on
im hoping to shake this but i know you never get over the death of a parent

a month and such

its been a while since -

and not sure if i'm back to writing this or writing on this
for anytime or consistently

i think that i'm going to get really busy soon

tv

watching Cup Cake Wars on food network. I interviewed with one of the contestants and did not get hired - after watching i'm glad i didn't get hired

selling myself short

over the years i've settled - in a promise for just working for the sake of money
i'd sell my self short and take lower pay

this meant at times - taking on less responsibility - which is fine
but also sacrificing quality - and creativity

the job i had in tucson - not only was i in management - we were a 95% from scratch kitchen
fresh fish flown in from california 4-5 times a week

to the next job where we were pulling stuff from the freezer - fish, meat vegetables, desserts and i was trained to do the opposite

i'm not gonna accept anything less anymore

award winning chef....

I won an award - or rather the bed and breakfast when i was executive chef won an award in 2005 - it was " Best Breakfast in the U.S.A. " by some non descript b&b magazine.

but i'll take it

7 day rotation for dinner

i made this for my sister - as a cheat sheet to get 6 days worth of meals



7 day rotation

day 1

roasted chicken
baked potatoes - make 4
roasted veggies - ( to include carrots, onions, and whatever is fresh )

save chicken for stew
keep roasted veggies for stew
keep other potatoes

day 2

grilled/ roasted salmon - 4 portions
rice pilaf -
sauteed zucchini and cherry tomatoes

make extra rice and 2 extra portions of salmon

day 3

chicken " stew "
use extra chicken from day 1
and extra roasted veggies from day 1
over the rice pilaf from day 2


day 4

use extra fish from day 2
to make salmon cakes
sauteed corn and red pepper
home fries from the baked potatoes from day 1


day 5

pork chops
cous cous with veggies nuts and fruits
steamed spinach - enough for 4 portions

save spinach



day 6

grilled steak
smashed red potatoes ( same as mashed potatoes but red and keep the skin on )
use spinach from day 5 to make creamed spinach



day 7

free day

favorite smell

i love the smell of women's hair that has just been washed, but not completely dry .

Lime Orange Pineapple Bars

Crust
1 cup butter
2 cups flour
½ cup powdered sugar
¼ teaspoon salt

Filling
4 eggs
2 cups sugar
4 Tablespoons flour
3 Tablespoons Orange Pineapple Juice
3 Tablespoons lime juice
zest of one lime



Blend first four ingredients and press into a 9 x 13-inch pan. Bake 15 minutes at 350 F. Do not let top brown. Cool 5 minutes. Beat together remaining ingredients and pour over pastry. Bake at 350 F for 25 minutes. Remove from oven and while warm, sprinkle with powdered sugar. When cool cut into squares.

food blog???

i have been cooking a lot lately
but i am posting the pictures on other sites
because i know they will get seen by possibly more people
but i think i will post more food photos on here as well.

aloo paratha

made these yesterday - they seem to work out well
may need to adjust the seasonings a little more

i used white flour instead of whole wheat
and the filling was potatoes, red onion, jalapeno, curry, coriander, chili powder and tumeric.

no sleep

i am still a bit concerned that i have not fully grieved the loss of my father, or grieved correctly - if that even makes sense.
and i am still in a state of confusion and cloudy-ness because ever since dad died - my life has completely stopped - everything i do is helping out the family. not that i don't have time for myself, but my thoughts are all about what everyone else needs not me.

not sure if it is obvious or not, but since ive been back i ve been out by myself in a social setting like twice
i moved away from tucson because of the rut *(hole)* i was in only to get here and the hole is deeper
but familiar - i hope things get better

i know that i will never get over the death of my dad
i just hope that each day will get better
and i wont experience too many set backs.

Happy Birthday Dad.


i miss you -

waiting.....

i seem to be always waiting
or seemingly waiting always

for someone to tap me on my shoulder
and say wake up.
or turn on the lights and say get up.
or waiting for a phone call saying
it's time

or even that dude, telling me that's its time
and i laugh and say with relief - it's about time.

it's really all about time.
i don't care it seems
what time it is
what day it is
the fact that i don't wear a watch
or have an alarm clock to talk shit to

justifies me sleeping
justifies me

i wait
for anything out of the ordinary
to shake me loose
and set me free or freer

The Day My Father Died

The day my father died
I could not cry;
My mother cried,
Not I.

His face on the pillow
In the dim light
Wrote mourning to me,
Black and white.

We saw him struggle,
Stiffen, relax;
The face fell empty,
Dead as wax.

I'd read of death
But never seen.
My father's face, I swear,
Was not serene;

Topple that lie,
However appealing:
That face was abscence
Of all feeling.

My mother's tears were my tears,
Each sob shook me:
The pain of death is living,
The dead are free.

For me my father's death
Was my mother's sorrow;
That day was her day,
Loss was tomorrow.

Mervyn Morris The Pond, 1973

red this then destroy

read..... read

i done did it.
no seriously.
i went from writing, and thought forming
to using actual sentences.

and it worked.
or so it seems
i can talk - my fear or rather hatred
of using the phone -
has been thwarted

that is all.

forced

being forced to do something - you really don't want to do is a necessary evil -
but - when family is involved - that makes it even more precarious

especially when it involves my nemesis the swimming pool.

stuff

hilahila hippocampus


here lies homer
a heavy hippocampus
who has hopes
of having
hijiki for his hibachi

a hibiscus for his honey, heather.
honey for his heteropteran, harold.
and horseradish for his horse, radish.

how may you ask can homer contain his happiness
for hijiki, a hibachi and his horse, radish?

here's how.....

homer has been to Hesperus
Hawaii, and Hermitage.
chasing a heroic heron on heroin
who eats haddock, hake
and hacks up hairballs.

he ( happily) hunted
hares, hyenas, and habu.
hovering above Hadrian's Wall
heaving hair, hail - and
the occasional haiku
at his half - sister
Hiawatha who has halitosis.

Homer hollers Halloo!!!
here's to my hallux valgus,
half price halibut,
horny horned toads,
and hijiki on the hibachi.

here lies homer
a hippocampus
who has hopes
of having Hera's
daughter Hebe
hold him hostage
until heaven calls
him home.....

i found the antelope

looks like this week is shaping up
interview today
starting to test recipes for the build a better burger contest
holiday weekend


all is good

use your words.....

still frustrated

i guess i need to write out my shit tonight
- im feeling trapped still
still not having any memorable dreams

i had a dream about my dad a few nights ago
he kept telling me something but i couldn't understand him
or barely hear him -
but he showed up in a dream - and that's a first

our family doesn't or didn't really celebrate the semi major holildays
like mothers day or father's day - we'd just make sure to phone them
but now
i'm going through the next year saying
oh this is the first mother's day since dad died
his birthday is soon.

i'm sure i'll have another post
i'm not done letting it all out.

frustrated

i know that in the bigger picture - i'm being extremely helpful to my mom and family
but i get so frustrated and so closed in sometimes - i dropped everything to move back here
and once i landed - it felt like i got shitted on......

and i'm still fighting the battle of digging myself of that hole called tucson
different location
different hole
i'm still digging out

o-possum

it seems that in our family - we are good at doing a few things
passing gas - although the females won't admit to it
picking up stuff off of the floor with our bare feet ( like pencils )
and attracting wild life
me - i attract cats and dogs
my brother and sister possums
and my aunt birds of prey and nervous dogs


i don't even know how this even constitutes as a post.

Happy Father's Day

I've not totally abandoned the idea of deleting this blog
or totally deleting this blog and abandoning it.... just took a 6 week break
or so.

I've set a few milestones - i guess no fast food or sodas since march 16th - i snuck a few diet sodas in here and there
maybe 6 since i dropped down back in the home hood
ive dropped weight about 10lbs or so
learned just how it is to be a good son, brother uncle and friend
figured out that even though ive been gone since 1997
that im still thought of
and considered ......

so i thought it necessary to catch everyone back up

last night i was sous chef at a party for 6 people in garrett park maryland
or connecticut ave and strathmore area
we did 6 courses
with 4 wines and knocke dit out in 4 hours
everyone was pleased
and hopefully this will lead to more small parties - or just getting my name out
to slowly get get back in the kitchen professionally

oh yes - i'd like to wish everyone happy father's day.

under

i don't know what to do with this - tonight is the first night
sleeping in the house alone since my dad died
it feels strange
and what feels strange is that there are noises
the usual old house noises that im not used to
that stop me in my tracks like foot steps

at the start of any new job, I always question my abilities, today is no different.

compliments

Krista:
You are such a talented chef, I hope you don't give it up! I still get compliments on how awesome our wedding dinner was!!

things are starting to look up -

lately

been not sleeping well - not really wanting to share the why's right now - - i know it stems from the disturbing dream i had a week ago and the fact that i still wake up in the morning not knowing what to do next and still not believing that my father is dead
even though i saw him in the casket and went to his grave site on saturday.

random thoughts again

not sure - but i'd like to think that
the majority of those we consider talented or popular
just because of the jobs they hold

are just as content to think how they would fare if they were regular

we all wish to be something else
like just living is boring.

no more

i don't think i can do this anymore
writing this blog
we'll see how long this should last.

gary gnu

it is sunny and warm outside
but inside it is raining
i just read my father's medical records from
the first time to the emergency room
and the second time when he died

he was dead as soon as he hit the floor
there was no saving him....
ems did everything they could
but .....

fin...

over.
done with.
gone.

shutting down

still seriously considering not writing in this blog .......
im about 80/20
you figure which number represents what.

done and done

the funeral was today - and it went well - no slip ups
no surprises like at my grandfather's funeral

so a good day of sleeping is in order
the the household
no phones- no visitors
no nada

still very busy...

every day its the same -
or rather every day is the same - sort of a blur for me
the last 9 days
they all run into each other
today was the first day i actually got out of the house
to do something non funeral related
( not really )
my job it seems is to make sure everyone gets fed and to rotate all
of the food people are bringing over.
[ first in first out ]

but it's very strange to try and find a suitable picture
for my dad's funeral booklet.
we found one for his obituary.
but this is - i don't know sort of different.

oh one other thing - i am sleeping in the room
where he died - sort of comforting, sort of spooky
because everyone believes that he is still in the house
messing with the electricity - showing us what needs to be replaced

now

my days are busy - planning a funeral is much more than i expected, and everyone visiting and asking if they can do anything
but the nights are worse - it's the quiet time.

bristol

pretty much in limbo right now. close to being home, but still 6 hours away by car, been driving everyday to get home - i really need to be with my mom and siblings - it feels like a dream - and every morning i wake up and hope that it is... but it smacks me in the face.

foreshadowing

not sure about my last post-
well
my father passed away last night
and reading my last blog post i was sort of ready for it.
and after talking to my sister - who had a premonition about his death the same day
she was ready for it too

but i use the term ready loosely - no one is either ready or prepared for death


that is all for now


i still have a few days to drive back home.

sense of purpose

the past few days i've found out two things
what i shouldn't be doing and what and or when to know when to let go.
if i get home and my father is well or weller
then that is what it is
if he's not
then again i'm ready for that
i have not seen anyone close to death before just right after
or a few days after

never the time before
the time tht they are circling the bowl - so to speak

i don't know - really what gonna go down with my father's heart being monitored 24/7
waiting for abnormalities
if i could trade places with him i would
but that wouldn't solve anything
he'd be worried for me
and according to an old proverb

grandparents die
parents die
children die

this is the natural order

for you

I WROTE THIS FOR YOU
I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. I WROTE THIS FOR YOU. I WROTE THIS FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU. EVERYONE ELSE WHO READS IT, DOESN’T GET IT. THEY MAY THINK THEY GET IT, BUT THEY DON’T. THIS IS THE SIGN YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. YOU WERE MEANT TO READ THESE WORDS.

antelope

it seems that i have a co-pilot on this trip back east - and he's telling me who it is necessary to see and who not to see
i questioned him once but all in all he's been spot on.

dinner

i had a 12 course dinner
last night in del mar,

12 courses with 9 wines 4 white 4 red and a sauternes
no ill effects with the food
everything clean in flavor and texture
i had two of my favorites which i hadn't had in years
sweetbreads and foie gras
both wonderful - i sat at the wine bar and had an easy sight line to the cook who prepared all my food
and most of the staff had a bet that i wouldn't finish the meal.... i only had issues with one plate which was the cheese course
just a little bit too much i finished about half of it
plus there were two more courses after that a desert - and truffles to end the meal.

i survived -
until i got back to the hotel and a lady decided to rink too much get into a fight with her boyfriend and run down the hallway crying - she even forgot her room number and tried to open my locked door.



i drove up to los angeles today easy drive not too much traffic until the 405 & 101 interchange

day 2

drove only about 120 miles today wanted an easy drive and slept in this morning - i wanted to spend some time in sd before i go up to del mar tomorrow. - i thought it was going to be an easy drive but with the elevation increases sea level to over 4000 ft and wind pushing me sideways - it took longer than expected

but i got to see the ocean today - and saw an amazing sunset with about 30 other people and 20 dogs or so
i really need to be around water - it calms me and plus one astrologer told me i was a damp leo or wet leo - what ever that means.

tomorrow i am meeting a friend for lunch maybe - a guy from high school that i have not seen in 19 yrs
tomorrow evening dinner with paul and saturday possibly going to the del mar fairgrounds to see some plant show
and then up tp los angeles

im tired

day one of travel

drove aprox 325 miles today from java posada in green valley
to el centro california -
car was averaging around 32 - 34 miles per gallon not bad for a ten year old car

stopped at the border patrol post and gave the border patrolman a high five as i drove off

stopped once at the rest stop right where the imperial sand dunes are located

here

currently at the motel 6 in el centro

next few days of travel - sleep in - i am about 2 hours east of san diego
will look around and go to the beach and dinner plans here
i should get to los angeles in the afternoon/evening depending on traffic

just in time to wake mimi up and ask her what's up!

dinner

my very first job in a restaurant was in sedona az - i was very fortunate to work for some very talented chefs,,,,,,
i am visiting one of my first sous chefs, he taught me how to work the line. -
he works here now
and is considered the best chef in san diego.


im not eating for a few days before hand..... or probably after.

day three

day three of being inbetween homes - and i am finally stress free - i think the rain on sunday and me trying to move out at the same time - was the straw or whatever.... it was rough

but that's done - i am off to the west coast for however long i am supposed to be there
san diego for a few days los angeles for the weekend.
and doubling back - through my most favorite town in the world blythe

so we shall see.

final push.....

two days left in az - today was good donated a lot of household items here
and goodwill
i am about 85% done with less than 2 days left
the main thing i have to do is throw shit away....

me....

you know that girl in high school/college who was fucking every body?
well i was the one she was just friends with -
you'd think that was just a phase - nope still happening.

new motto....

if you are in need, and i can help. i will. - the motto of true friends.

new beginning

i am constantly changing..... for better and for worse
but i am changing again - the focus of this blog - to be more food oriented
because there are just not enough food blogs out there.....

i'll be updating soon.

the end...?

everyone and their mother has a blog - or thinks about having a blog
and i did too - had a good run of it - close to two years
but i have been noticing - two things
one - the past month or almost no one has visited this page
which is rare... and the content is certainly lacking in quantity and quality

maybe because i am ending a chapter in my life this should end too?
doesn't really matter
no one is reading anymore
hopefully someone will
if they do
please
scan the archives
there is some good stuff here.

still doing dumb shit....

i am still in arizona - for 17 more days
and i am still doing dumb shit....
like sitting by the cell phone waiting to be texted by a married woman
so we can go out.... 8 out of 10 she'll be busy
and the other two times she shows up but still goes back to her husband
but i guess i am down for drama
and i hope i leave all this shit in arizona but i probably wont.

days.... turn into hours

i have 4 working days left..... or 32 hours or .....
i am getting pressured to find out when or what my agenda and or time frame is
which i need to figure out soon -
i don;t know how far up the coast im going
could be los angeles or santa barbara
or farther....

i don't really know what to expect on this trip
i just know im finally coming full circle
and ending what i started over 10 years ago
i'm not sure what's next - which is fine
if i never work in a restaurant/hotel kitchen again
i think i'll be fine - no wait i know i'll be fine
i am really anxious to do two things after i am done working
throwing away my alarm clock, and well i forgot the second thing.

que-ing

i'm que-ing for take off
sold two things already so now i'm tv less
which is fine - it forces me to actually do other things i'm supposed to do
and i sold a wine rack
donated a few cook books to charity and i still have 24 days left
i'm currently ahead of the game

newest - latest

done and done

notice put in at work - and 30 day intent to vacate put in at the apt

but lately i keep staying awake waiting for something to happen
but nothin's a doin

weeks going by fast....

i have the next two days to give my notice at the job
and give some sort of 30 day notice to end my lease at my current apartment
i really don't realize how much shit i have to do to tie up loose ends and break out
and wreck shop - as of this weekend it's a month - so not too much time left
but enough time to ask myself what the fuck are you doing?

not too worried bout the 30 day notice at my apt - but kind of worried
about the job...

funky funk

i have been realizing the funk ive been in since nov of o8? since i was laid off
well my funk and in a rut are other's depressions - it is a heavy burden sometimes
even getting out of bed some days - i think i thought i was doing well until last may when one of my close friends passed away - then two more over the next 3 months - and i was back in the stew again - i am trying to dig myself out
hopefully the move helps since i am betting everything on it right now
but who knows... i know that my current surroundings are not beneificial to my mental and physical health.... it has taken me a long time to write this down
and write it to be read...... i know that help is available and i have good friends to lean on but my burdens/crosses are for me to bear right?

who knows.

words

i have/ had? a love affair with words - which sprang from those early formidable years with my dad - he was old school - like he remembers when movies were strictly in black and white... but that was then. - anyway my father is smart - in an eccentric way. i'd catch him reciting poems he learned in grade school ( in latin! ) he didn't finish high school and went straight to college so you may think that this genius was was lost with me

not so

i always tell people, just because i cook does not mean i am unintelligent

where am i?

oh words.

me and my dad would red the dictionary often - looking for derivations of words and where they came from latin, greek etc and to this day i read the dictionary to learn more about words

and one of my biggest pet peeves is people using words wrong or the wrong words
i choose them carefully in my speech and my writing
and if you ever catch me using the wrong word - trust me its on purpose.

camera.....

got a new camera - been itching to use it... but busy all week and it's been cloudy - which lends itself to amazing sunsets... hopefully over the weekend i'll get some good pics to document the beginning of the end of my living in tucson.... 6 weeks or less

since 1994 , when i began this journey of becoming a chef - i have totally been neglectful & oblivious to the world outside of the kitchen

stuff

there is s lot going on with me right now - ending one chapter in a 10 year really discombobulated story - and waiting to start another story - waiting because i need time in between these short stories. - but that is not going to happen....
or at least it's not really happening..
after i leave arizona i'm headed to california to see friends and family
then doubling back and trying to be in dallas for a basketball game -
then back home to my old room to decompress for at least a week before everyone starts pulling me in a lot of directions again - which is fine - this time at least i can decide who pulls and where im getting pulled.