bad day

ok today was a bad one - i woke up and just shouted out randomly
to anyone who could hear - " are you fucking serious? "
a question that sums up everyday since 11/07/08
everything that has happened - good, bad or other -

ive not gotten many bites from my efforts -
oh one " apparently jim the baker from told someone that I was great "
i guess that's good - people are looking out for me
while i deal with this - i decided yesterday to not go to the rita ranch party - because i was not ready to see everyone from the old job at once - i almost feel like i failed - because everyone was so upset and emotional with the decision of someone who doesn't even know who i am or what my value was in the kitchen - decides to just let me go

i feel like i failed because it was out of my control - its like i got fired - but
i don't know.... i know the weekend seems like it will be busy
and monday its off to the grind again -

i hope this is all worth it - i may never know why this happened
or i could find out tomorrow - or i already know

or this will all just cycle out and spin in on itself like a black hole
and consume me from the inside out

im ready for any of it - really because i have no choice