back home.....

been home a few days.....
put to work sort of- -
i fixed the kitchen stool
that had been broken for a year or so
i fixed the latch on the door - two very easy items
but it seems that they were overlooked in the shuffle

back track - christmas was good - spent it with my two aunts
one real one play - and again helping with technology
it feels nice to be helpful - its nice to be actually doing something

my flight was so-so me and my luggage went our separate ways -
luggage - tucson, phoenix, charlotte and into baltimore
me - tucson, dallas/fort worth, baltimore

and my luggage made it here before i did

we are having a big family dinner on tuesday -
and i will be overwhelmed -
and then - well i don't know....

happy holidays

i hope your christmas and new years are safe
and you get what asked for -
me - i usually get what i need....
oh don't eat too much

pet peeve.....

ok - These are NOT baby carrots -
more then likely these are all of the mis-shapen
horse carrots that they cant sell and just run them
through the " baby carrot " machine
to get them all to the same size and shape.

thoughts

its been almost 6 weeks of unemployment/ rest - it has beennice to not do anything
for almost 2 and a half years - of managing a large kitchen - dealing with a lot of conflicting personalities - and being pulled in every direction possible - i remember just actively counting the amount of interruptions i had in a 30 minute period - it was about 9 - i'm sure everyone goes through this on a day to day basis - or even trying to work and constantly getting phone calls - but i really doubt that your office environment compares to a working kitchen.....
i challenge you to try it.....

so i have a week or so until i go back to dc and get pulled in every direction again -
i'll gladly accept this - because i am thinking that the trip i am supposed to take in june might happen a lot earlier than i thought -

when doors close - others open.....

i think that i am going to lose my anonymity again
and i'm prepared.

please give me happy.....

bob?

so ok i am a fan of hair - women's hair -
long, short, real - ( weaves? depends)
i love the smell of freshly washed but still wet hair
most hair products and shampoos - except anything from aveda
i guess since i was a young child the smells of my mom doing my sisters hair - or her twin's hair
or my sister doing her own hair - in the powder room

these visions and smells are ingrained in my brain - and a not so great hair style
or kind of greasy or not washed enough or washed too much is a deal breaker
like shoes - but i'll save that for another time.....

my favorite haircut of all time is the bob - in any form
but the inverted bob is the best - but not everyone can pull it off
you have to have the right size and shape of neck - i don't know really
but i've seen some bad ones....

meh.

home for the holidays

i just bought a one way ticket back to maryland

for 90% of the holidays
to see the family and give my mom a rest - she's
been running around all year
helping everyone else
it's time she got a break....

i always feel like somebody's watching me...

I do and they are - -I was brought up in a christian/catholic household
went to catholic elementary and high school, baptized - confirmed - inbetween an altar boy
but now i am sort of enthralled with eastern philosophy namely buddhism and when i say buddhism i mean zen buddhism

but part of me still holds onto being catholic - for one its a good story
where am i going with this....

i believe in guardian angels - why you ask - because i've met them three times
in my life that i remember, once after my car accident in los angeles
again in the video store in sedona - ( i think that time was to let me know she was around - we talked or rather she talked and i listened and she disappeared - literally)
i turned around and she was gone - what makes this strange was that in the time it took me to turn my head to see where she went she was gone - from a store - only one way in and out - anyone familiar with the video store in sedona in the safeway plaza knows what im talking about. it takes at least 30 seconds to go from the back of the store to the exit....

and today - i was driving on grant towards rosemont and he pulled up beside me and said - smile it's not that bad and laughed and drove off, maybe not exactly wht you'd call a gaurdian angel but he said the right thing at the right time...
there are no such things as coincidences

hitting bottom - there is only one way back up

i think i want to hit bottom - maybe
since the lay off - my decision making skills
or lack there of have been bad.....
but since i lived in the kitchen - i didn't have to make
any real world decisions - or ones that made any sense

my past few weeks have been reckless - to say the least
taking cues from bill clinton and all of my previous chefs
i am not " playing safe " and until now it didn't phase me
but today - it does
i'm in no position to support my self - let alone anyone else
or two other people - and i'm taking antibiotics - to get rid of this cough i've had since before thanksgiving

so needless to say -
i'm falling - out of control - i need to go (get) away for a while
but content to repeat these past few weeks

i have not been in a situation like this
since i quit the job in vegas and drove out to california
that lasted 7 months
7 months of semi employment - no sleep
and failed attempts of meditation

i hope i fare well -
and the new year brigs me a lot more answers
and options.

the ultimate road trip

my dad is going on a road trip - he is 72 years old and has been diagnosed - or has the symptoms of early dementia....

he is not going alone - his sister will be the co-pilot of sorts - she has a compromised immune system - and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia ....

they are going to some city in north carolina - which is about a 6 hour drive -
my dad wants to learn how to write - apparently a friend of his is an author
he has had a story going for the past 30-40 years - one chapter in but not finished
as do i but i don't intend to finish it -

maybe this is a last ditch effort to finally finish this task - who knows
but the timing - he leaves on tuesday - and hopefully back for christmas
and sort of out of the blue - maybe it came to him in a dream
like me and cooking - i didn't realize until now it was a nightmare - and i should have never gone back to sleep - but this isn't about me.

my dad and aunt are going on a road trip
i wonder what he will get out of it and if he will tell any of us

words of the day

like
lust
booty call
friends with benefits
seduction
krispy kreme donuts
old dirty bastard - ( shimmy shimmy ya )
the big "O"

full moon

today/tonight is the brightest full moon this year
which explains me not sleeping......
( i tried to take a picture - but it sucked - the moon is at its brightest but not it's closest )

pushing forward.....

trees - aspen stands
push runners towards the horizon

summer - 12 hour days
autumn leaves fall
harvest moon pushing towards the horizon
it will be day soon

are you ready to wake up yet?
do you even know what day it is ....

it's morning again - sleep
casts a spell and takes you
for days at a time -

pushing dreams into the day
familiar faces become de ja vous
we become acquaintances again

which works for both of us
instead of each pushing the other away
we waste less time and walk towards our
respective horizons

tidy cats

titles

everyone is obsessed with titles
i guess that a lot of people thought of me as executive sous chef
at the ranch - or senior sous chef
or something.....

closure ( 200 ) days

i almost had closure......
i usually flee before the story ends - or
make up my own ending
yet i stll run

here's to my not fleeing tomorrow
i have about 200 days left here
and here means tucson proper

i am hoping to out last my and my family's
wishes about my 'round the world trip
i know i may not come back
and i have to be ready for it

so the next 200 days will be about closure
and not burning bridges.....

transcending...... and the art of war

A leader leads by example not by force.
Sun Tzu

Primer Impacto

these are two of the reasons I watch Primer Impacto
on Univision

Jackie Guerrido and Barbara Bermudo

time

ok the end of this week - it will b 5 weeks of unemployment
so i have devoted this time to write more on my blog
and also put out close to 20 resumes and filled out applications
only two of those were call backs and one seems promising -
but the time off has been good -
down time - which i have not had in like 8 years or so
i think ive caught up on sleep
tomorrow i may even do something constructive

but probably not
i have been having strange dreams lately - the usual one
with my teeth falling out
but a new one my childhood cat being caught between being a cat and turning
into a vampire - and constantly attacking me
it was quite brutal actually
and one was just me doing a task but constantly getting it wrong
and having to re do it

i think im still kind of stressed - about not working
not sure - but im a bit more sensitive about my surroundings
now that i have time to listen, watch and observe

page counter

with my attempts to delete the ads on my page
i accidentlly deleted my page counter
so i re-did it with a number i thought i was close to
not sure if it is correct - but I guess this only really matters
to me.....

ads

i have ads on my blog - not usually my style -
i was curious if anyone actually would click
they don't and I'm taking it off

oh - I read/heard that the current unemployment rate is 6.7%
and its supposed to hit 10% before we even see an upturn in the economy
good luck to us all

curiously anonymous

i constantly hit the next blog button on the top of my page......
it randomly searches and takes me to other blogs on blogspot.com
i am checking out the " competition " - as they say
but i have not found any other blogs as interesting and as random as mine
when i do i will let you know.....

fab tastic

for all intents and purposes

sex is complicated....
seriously - especially when its based around lies
( i know everyone can relate )

but given the circumstances.- all i was looking for was a one night stand -
well actually i wasn't looking for anything - it just happened
it was a void filler - i just lost my job and i was reaching for anything

but we both lied to each other and i feel sort of - not bad because it was mutual lies - but sort of indifferent - im usually not like that -

some of the lies - in no particular order - and not specified authors

marriage
age
children and age of children
being out of town but actually not
saying we enjoyed the sex
degree of like-ness ( one of us liked the other one a lot more )
saying that we usually don't do this unless in a relationship

just a few... like i said - pretty much par for the course
but i felt like writing about it -

i regret nothing it was a few days that will go down in my ever
evolving very interesting life

did i learn anything yeah -
will i change my habits - not sure

sooner or later

sooner rather than later I will actually start posting photos that i take
but my dinosaur-ish camera weighs me down - it still takes good photos

but you'd think since i am STILL not working - i would have time to take
photos - but i don't

true story

my first real job in los angeles was working at the Beverly Hills Hotel - actually only real job - but that's another story - the only way into this famed hotel was to take the graveyard shift - working 9pm - to 5am or so - so from 11pm until 5am I was the only one in the kitchen cooking for the bar and overnight room service - so you can imagine the stories i have - esp since the BHH was whitney&bobby's favorite place to stay and beat the shit out of each other...........

anyway i had a system with the room service waiters - i would cook the food and they would come back to tell me who i fed - it was mainly to pass the time - but trust me after 2am the hotel got crazy.

so i had an order for an egg and bacon sandwich - for sean p diddy combs which he usually ordered every night when he stayed at the hotel which was quite often - so the order went out and i asked the room service waiter " chickalene " did puffy enjoy his sandwich and he told me it wasn't for puffy it was for jennifer lopez ( who actually knocked on my apt door by accident a year later - yes another story)

and i said why is jennifer lopez staying in puffy's room......

about three weeks later i saw them on some third party us weekly type show
telling the world that they were an item.... so after that i used all my inside info
to my advantage

.....zig zag

.......

i will find you eventually.......

tomorrow

so i have an interview/ test - tomorrow at this place here......
i am going in pretty much blind - because for one

and two

i left them blank.

i need a job - for only 6 months - and half of me wants to go east for the holidays
i always get the job i'm supposed to get - and i think that this one is one of them
i can feel it
in me bones -
im not really stressing out too much about it - it is totally out of my hands

such is life

what time is it?

my days and nights keep running into each other

i stay put because i dont want to spend money - because none is coming in
i do the same shit everyday - not sure about hanging out with those who i used to work with

next time i get a job i will have friends outside of work -
so those days will not run into each other
and my de ja vous start having de ja vous

and i start walking in circles again

A.W.O.L. vs M.I.A.

for the past few years i have been either awol or mia i have seen pictures as recent as two weeks ago and i don't know who the people are in the photos - i know they are related to me somehow
but other than that i am clueless - and i'm sure its vice versa--- they've all heard of me and what i've done but a ghost i am to them

always working - always un available - if/when i go home i have so many people to see
because come june i will be mia again

unsure of when or if i am coming back - James told me - " if you're leaving in 6 months -have fun."
sorry the last few posts have been pretty much surrounding the same subjects
but i am trying to get my mind ( which most days is mia ) around my thoughts
sometimes it's a task
other times it's easy as pie

worldwide ....

i recently put a visitor's map on this blog -
I am curious as to where my reader's hail from


it's interesting - or more so - is that it doesn't
tell me where the reader is from but where the reader's
ip address is from

i checked my ip address its out of seattle, but i reside in t-town


click the map, take a trip
im going global slowly but surely.

random

( im hungry )

do you know that sometimes you buy things that may predict the future...
i am pondering this trip back east and i recently purchased a messenger bag and a sleeve for the new laptop - as if i am going somewhere....

i did this once before i bought hiking shoes once in maryland - where there is no need for hiking boots/shoes - it was that day i realized i was moving to sedona...
it was on the back burner but sometimes you need a visible or more concrete clue to push you in the right direction.....

all consuming love....

ok ok - technically its monday - 45 minutes into monday -
so i post one before bed - i had an interesting few days - i did absolutely
nothing for thanksgiving - the first time i did nothing in like 15 years - not working on the holiday - if i wasn't working id be cooking somewhere or going over to someone's house etc etc -
so it was really nice - considering doing the same for christmas - but i feel my luck will run out
dead
i had a dead line for this " decision " on how the rest of my life will be spent
but that's ridiculous - i can't even plan out my tomorrow -

i still have a deadline to decide whether or not to go back east for the holidays
half of me wants to but the other half doesn't -

it goes back to the youngest child syndrome - not sure if it is really a syndrome
but no matter how old you are whenever the " family " gets back together
everyone assumes the usual family role - so i will always be the youngest and treated that way - so going back to that environment - is not what i had in mind to ring in the new year with..... but
well
i don't know.....