The Garcia y Vega substitutes when the Dutch is gone

been giving out advice today - feel like dr. phil
about relationships no less - which i have no expertise
oh i had a good phone conversation with my dad - my mom was sort of listening to us talking and when i talked to her - she asked me if i could entertain my father like that for the next few years...... she was happy to hear him laughing at  the stupid shit i was telling him

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invisible to everyone

I"m feeling super anti - social
usually this coincides with my insomnia
which i am experiencing right now....

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yeah.....

Werner Herzog. In his recent documentary “Encounters at the End of the World” Mr. Herzog muses that “the human presence on this planet is not really sustainable,”

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random stanzas

i was dreaming when i wrote this....

pardon, ok - its just an hour
out of your time
you don't even have to buy anything
its just as cold here as anywhere else
rather - colder than maybe the salt flats
or the grey salt flats
or the pink salt flats outside of hawaii

i broke my arm - last week
go ahead -
texting too much
to the wrong people
( i knew it would get personal )
i'm in love with this girl named debbie
or veruca - or heineme
and they love me back

i cough a lot because i smoke
but i'm in de-tox
to get a new job
but i keep failing
and falling - hitting the floor
with my limbs akimbo

( lampy lamp )

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monsoon

one day a real rain's gonna come, and wash all the scum from the streets - Travis


it rained yesterday 0_o finally -
so 10 days after the official start of the season  - we get rain
a good rain
as i write this - the skys clouded over - like my eyes - now
that i'm turning 35 -

wait, what?

so the temperature dropped 20 degrees in 20 minutes
thrash cans floating down the middle of streets
animals lined up 2 by 2 -
ppl praying to their respective gods
etc etc

the smell of creosote - filled the air
its an arizona thing - its a smell
that either you love or hate
like cilantro
or celine dion

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Censorship

i am usually all for censorship....
wait I'm usually all for speaking my mind - but sometimes
I tend to censor my words on here
most of the times dealing with my private private life
I'll try to be better -
i guess at times it can be a bit scary - i don't know who is even reading this
which is why i started this - for anonymity

but i know some of the people reading this
and i tend to hold back because
i don't want what i say to be held against me
or held over my head like a cross or some sort
of burden....

I don't know
oh is it ok for me to be attracted to women who could possibily be my daughter's age
if i had a child when i was 15?
yeah ... no

Other stuff......

The IRS is finally off my back....

I guess - ( I know ) that getting 20% of your salary as cash.... - pretty much under the table
and not taxed - is not really a good idea - which I found out - the hard way -
my brother always says very pertinent stuff.. and i always listen... but probably too late
one of his best is " Never fuck with the IRS or the DMV "
and this one - " money is not worth anything until you spend it"
so my economic stimilus - was short
like gary coleman short - or hillary clinton popular vote short
( almost half of it went to pay off the tax liability )
and like hillary - i was in it to win it at all costs -
so i guess its nice to be debt free - mostly....

i heard this a while standing in line at pinks in hollywood
she smiled at me with her eyes because she couldn't do it any other way

and today i saw it.... and it was nice - twice actually -
but that is neither here or there -
it's nice to be looked upon as more than a job haver - a mouth breather
a finger in the nose while driving - mister - or mr.

its wednesday - and its late -
I've been cooking for the ranch employees for the past 4 days and its nice to cook
for us instead of them...

we are all entitled - but we all don't have to use that as a weapon
just because you have money -
doesn't mean that you are in any shape or form better than us....
we all shit in toilets.... everyday

words fail me

i am so hot - i have nothing to say

i am writing to stave off me eating anything - right now
i could go for the best pizza in the us - according to me
or the second best pizza in the us - according to me Brian and Christina - and Diggy

or some plain - old shitty college - i'm poor but starving pizza


or how about chicken...?

salmon - finished

tis the dish
pepita crusted salmon
on wilted spinach with caramelized onions
on refried black beans with sweet potatoes
and " sauce " was a avacado and pomegrante salsa

it worked - but too tall for its own good
so i am doing a dinner party every new years day

salmon - sort of....

so i did a dinner party
on the first of the year
the theme was pepitas - ( pumpkin seeds )
this was the salmon....
crusted with pepitas and other south-westy spices
i thought that i would show some food on here
because i cook at work....

once more....

She packed my bags last night pre-flight

Zero hour nine a.m.

And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife

It's lonely out in space

On such a timeless flight.......

I don't know why - but this song always gets me.....
it's one of those get the chills - goose bumps srt pf thing
I understand the words in this more than most - maybe because i used to read dictionaries
as a child - and very fond of etymology because of my father
i use and choose words wisely - and always question other's choices of words

i must write this in here - because - i've wanted to but never had the correct forum
to actually let it fly

my words are pretty much all i have now - mostly because the job questions my leadership skills -
which is right on target - why should i care about leading when i myself do not care anymore -
i can lead them all to the lonely-ness of non caring -
all i do is work and sleep - and lately ruts are becoming more and more comfortable
i hide behind my weight and tell jokes so I seem more than just ok -
i'd rather make others laugh -
then watch them watch me slowly break down - and fade away

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test - the clues

using new web browser called flock - it seems to fit my style of mac'ing very well

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my own personal purgatory

" there is no after life, this is it... " Gregory House M.D.

i am thinking of my funeral again
i stopped wearing my seat belt
maybe if i continue they will cut off my feet
like - i can't even think of the word - for that operation...
oh snap amputation

i've been having dreams about my funeral again
like who's going to show up
who won't
i am listening to my vices again
my demons sit around me drinking beer
playing backgammon

wondering if that night i almost
pulled a gerald levert -
and didn't wake up
will happen again

i don't even remember what those pills were
when i took them - maybe one of them was vicodin
but other country strengths - like mexico strong
like u can buy these without a prescription -
twice the us dosage
strong
not too sure of the other two
and the wine, beer - and other etc's didn't help

so since then i stopped - pretty much everything
i guess a life or death scare - can and will change everything
you'd think the car accident after diggy's baptism would have
set my shit straight.....

so i think and dream about my funeral - and i'm sure we all have
i guess since life - is precious -
and not guaranteed - this is the fight we prepare for
but hope it never happens

Happy Father's day

dad...

i knew it far far later
i could ask you anything
and not need or fear any repercussions
you, always there when i needed or not
your support, pride, laughter
hand on the back - to push me
hand on the shoulder for comfort

simple advice
you questioning my decisions - but ultimately
letting me ( us ) make mistakes

jokes, some were actually funny
providing for me dina and ronnie
loving mom -
dogs. cats, gerbils, etc

dad
i know i don't need to say this
but I have to

happy father's day
and I love you....

Friends, Acquaintance, or Customer

I group ppl in three categories - well probably
more than that - but just three in this area
friends - I have a few that I keep in contact with - they are all spread out
all over the world - - I've lost a few willingly and unwillingly - but its good

my old motto - ( so yes if you have been reading this blog I have a motto AND a theme song )
used to be " I'll see you when I see you. " and I stuck by that - still do sort of

ahh the Acquaintance - due to my time in Sedona - and both jobs being open kitchens
I was very accessible - like handicap parking in front of wal -mart - ( ?? )
so if I counted how many ppl I have come in contact with and met it would probably
be in the thousands

and a few hundred marriage proposals - or do you want to come home with me
because of my food - i take it with a grain of salt
( most recently - 1/1/08 ) Ali's mom had some of my margarita sorbet and asked - will you marry me? - it was just sorbet..... )

" ha ha my mother still tells that story about the awesome sorbet! "

I now - want to be known more than what I do or used to do

and the rest are customers -
if i end up opening a place - i need customers - so 80% of the ppl I meet
are customers....

previous post

to whoever stumbles across this blog....
I did not write the last entry - I lifted from somewhere
but i felt it justified my feelings at the moment....

It's time to walk away

I'm fucking done....


A dear friend recently made a statement that got me to thinking…

I asked him why he decided to leave an online social network, and he responded quite sincerely and honestly that he had to simply walk away…

I think it is time for me to walk away for some things. The last few days I feel like I have gotten lost in this illusion we call dunya. I think it is far past time for me to walk away from some things.

Some things may prove easier for me to walk away from, while others may prove more difficult…

I must walk away… I am left with little choice… I cannot accept failure as an option…

I must do it for Allah’s sake… I must do it for my soul…. I must do it for my family… I must do it for humanity…. Allah is my Lord and in Him alone do I find salvation…

“I don’t want a part of it no more…. I don’t want Allah to see my faults…”

do you remember that time...?

my memory is strange.....
maybe because i have so much shit in my brain - I have to filter through
daily... - that inevitably - things get misplaced - but its more of random
things -

like today I went to the apt complex office to renew my lease -
( yes tuscon you got me for another year )
fully aware that it takes time to do the paperwork - so i told them i would be
back later in the afternoon - i nearly forgot and it was less than 2 hours later

and if i take a nap in the afternoon - whatever may have taken place before the nap
is lost...

or even scarier - i talk to my parents and or other siblings and they tell me stories
about family gatherings - and i always say where was i - or how come i don't remember that always assuming i was gone - but most of the time i was there but i guess not fully present

( i have been away from home since 1998 - going on ten years now - I've been home like 4 or 5 times in that span - and never on a holiday - my last birthday I was home and the last time i had been home for my birthday was before then so 1997 I'm guessing? )

but i do remember meeting people - like years ago and it was only for 5 minutes
but i remember everything - the conversation etc

and a lot of my memories are food related - like i remember the first time i ate fresh tuna
it was at the lighthouse restaurant in virginia beach
it was an appetizer of tuna nuggets - yep like chicken nuggets but way better

and sometimes certain smells remind me of say - french toast at summer camp when i was
12 years old....

so i don't know if other's minds are as jumbled as mine - maybe 14 years of all of the recipes i've done and forgot about - i'm assuming those number in the thousands - at least

I'd like to just set aside some room for non food related memories - which right now are getting fewer and fewer

Saul Williams Lyrics

from the song Fearless

dear God, I wasn't breast fed
and most of my conversations with men seem to revolve around music
I'm no musician but the pain has been instrumental
my senses finally tune the instruments of - of - of
of being lonely, of being lost, of being loved, of being human
man I could use a metaphor but I can't get beyond this shit
I could use someone to talk to
but most of my conversations with men seem to revolve around music

old computers suck

i'm sort of behind in the tech dept - but that's ok
my computer is a mac - nut i bought it in 2000
my cell phone is not bluetooth - has no camera phone
it does not slide - does not flip
have a qwerty - or a berry in its name

my car is the same age as my computer... ( random )
my tv is a flat screen - the old type a true flat - only 24 inches
and it has rabbit ears - because i don't have time to watch cable

my ipod - the first one was a first generation - mini - 4g
i upgraded to a used 30 gig video

my mom's laptop is newer than my ipod.....

my digital phone is 5 years old - weighs about a pound - it only has 3.2 mega pixels
and 2x zoom -

but i am surviving - - i am not too behind...
al of these things still work -
although my computer is being replaced ina few months -
i can't find the 5 1/4 floppy disks anymore

one more 'gain

ok I own two of these and I will not choose another knife - ever

another obsession

" I don't know where you end and I begin... Obession....

My current obsession

saw her live last night on letterman
yes mom this is my type -
more so than the lead singer of the carolina chocolate drops....

I won't tell your momma, if you don't tell your dad

" What do we get for 10 dollars ? "
- everything you want...

if i believed what the tv told me about sex - i'd be a bit more confident
but it didn't and i'm not

if i listened to what my father told me about - the difference between sex and love
i'd be more confident

but i didn't - i laughed and re tell the story many times

but i'm sure you don't really want to know all of this...

i am a leo - a sun sign ruled by the heart mostly
i need to listen to my sister more -
i need to believe in de ja vous less
and day dreams more
tomorrow is just that - something we all can not control

a job is a job
food costs more - so does gas -
there is not much we can do but suffer through
and possibly find alternative ways of travel

Kimbo Slice for V.P.

ok - he's a bit scary -
and truly frightening
but wouldn't it be nice to have as obama's
vp -

I only say this because Mr.T is way too old....

going local - staying green

so at work we are starting to source out more and more local products
such as all of our ground beef is coming from
double check ranch

we use about 100 lbs a month - and remember this is strictly for hamburgers
you do the math - 4 oz portions - 4 to a pound - 400 burgers sold a month
and i cooked up a few burgers for M. T. D. and myself
and our hair was blown back

we also use the seafood watch - guide lines for selection our fishes

but what is really interesting
is the horse farm behind the resort -
across the dry wash just outside the back doors of both the main dining room
and the cafe

all i'm saying is - when gas gets too expensive we - ( when i say we - i mean me )
will be tracking down those horses for - .. well...

let me just say at the company picnic - there was a pony - and he was not there
for - rides

oh latest on the recipe development scene - i was working with the corporate chef today
on a dry rub for the al natural grass fed beef ribs - that we are trying to get on the menu
but realistically - the serving size is only one rib... which is just a tease

my theme song.....

everyone has one - or should have one

mines is....

the Beautiful ones , By Prince

if you are unfamiliar


read the lyrics


Baby, baby, baby
What's it gonna be
Baby, baby, baby
Is it him or is it me?
Don't make me waste my time
Don't make me lose my mind baby

Baby, baby, baby
Can't u stay with me tonight
Oh baby, baby, baby
Don't my kisses please u right
U were so hard 2 find
The beautiful ones, they hurt u everytime

Paint a perfect picture
Bring 2 life a vision in one's mind
The beautiful ones
Always smash the picture
Always everytime

If I told u baby
That I was in love with u
Oh baby, baby, baby
If we got married
Would that be cool?

U make me so confused
The beautiful ones
U always seem 2 lose

Baby, baby,
Baby, baby,
Baby, baby,
Baby,
What's it gonna be baby?

Do u want him?
Or do u want me?
Cause I want u
Said I want u
Tell me, babe
Do u want me?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Do u want me?
Baby, baby, baby
Listen 2 me
I may not know where I'm going (babe)
I said I may not know what I need
One thing, one thing's 4 certain baby
I know what I want, yeah
and if it please u baby
please u, baby
I'm begging down on my knees
I want u
Yes I do
Baby, baby, baby, baby
I want you

Yes I do

love, lemon bars and cat traps

its the first of june... already - still no stimulus check - bu i'm overly stimulated
anyway....

busy day - it was the first annual feed your Romanian co-worker coffee cake day
which is actually once or twice a month - now a days
but really its international child day or something like that
so i made coffee cake - apple cinnamon - and switched out the milk with butter milk

i was called by my mom to tell me that my lemon bar recipe was a hit i had actually forgot
that i gave it to her - she was hosting a blind date party for a widower - we shall call her S. and some divorcee - I am friends with S's daughter who is also called S. - so i am glad for her to get out - there is hope for us all - if the 60-some set are still dating - and possibly getting butter flies before the date -
my parents are also being " visited by a very large racoon "
so they put out a friendly - i guess no kill trap to catch the ' coon
but no luck they caught a cat and that initself was an ordeal
tufts of hair - scratching - spilled milk - etc
i hope that my dad switches bait to some thing - more racoon friendly
like - whatever they enjoy eating.....